The primary ingredient

Stealing a line from "Dawn of the Dead"..."trust, the primary ingredient in any relationship." While it came from a horror movie, doesn't make it any less true. I love that movie, and that quote...even though the quote is a little simplistic. I'm in the process of teaching myself to trust people again after having any trusting bone in my body ripped out and crushed by one person in particular, but also by friends, etc...who also betrayed my trust in the past year and a half or so.

Its no easy feat to try to rebuild after all that, but when you don't trust, you make yourself miserable. I know this from experience. While I got used to every word out of someone's mouth being a lie, that doesn't mean that everyone is that way, just because he is. Unfortunately this is something I have to tell myself multiple times a day, which sounds ridiculous, but if you had spent over a year tearing apart everything someone told you trying to sift out the highly limited amount of truth from the lies, then you might be untrusting and paranoid too. Although it is justifiable, it doesn't mean I should just allow it to continue. That's not the person that I want to be, and not the person who I was before he came along. So the daily mantra is "everyone is not a liar" and "you can't always assume that someone is lying to you." That's all I've got for today. Nightie night.

Dreams

I recently watched this Nova documentary about dreams that dealt with the physical, scientific aspects of dreams but also toyed with the question of what dreams may mean to people.

So tell me this. Why is it that nearly every night for two weeks I close my eyes and dream about Josh? And why is it that nearly every time in my dream he and I are living in a house with my dad of all people? And why does one of the other girls from his past always inevitably show up? And why in the dreams before that happens and I so happy and completely into him even though every fiber of my waking being knows that I never should or could go back to those feelings with him?

Is my mind equating my current man with J Or is it trying to tell me that that was him that screwed me over time and again, not the new guy? I'm confusedby all these dreams and the truth of the matter is I DON'T want to be thinking about J, or worrying that the guy I'm talking to now is doing the same things to me that J did or any of that. I just want to be happy and not be constantly paranoid when it comes to men. Is that so much to ask for?

paranoid girl

I'm a paranoid girl after everything that happened to me in the past. That much is certain. But I wonder if this paranoia is somehow hindering me, or if it merely made me wiser. I really like someone right now, but I can't bring myself to trust him. Is this a bad thing? Or am I merely protecting myself? I really can't be sure.

In spite of the fact that I am deeply paranoid, I still feel drawn to this guy. Not only do I feel physically attracted to him, but he is someone I can talk to easily. He's brilliant, and he likes to talk about intellectually-related subjects. Rather than the willful ignorance I became accustomed to in previous "relationships" (if any of these can be deemed a relationship), I sometimes actually feel that I'm struggling to keep up with his brain. I love it. He makes me want to be smarter. Its the opposite of what I felt with the dipstick. When I was with him, I was constantly wishing that I wasn't so smart, that I could more easily dumb myself down.

I'm glad that I am where I am, spending time with who I am. But I'm still not sure I trust. And I'm not convinced that I should. Perhaps I always just expect and want too much from things. But I really like him. And I hope that I can learn to trust him (and that he deserves my trust). I like him a lot. Let's hope that this works out well. I'm hopeful, but not naive. I'm sticking to my own goals. School, work, a future career. I'm not giving those up for someone again, no matter how much I end up liking them. That's really all I had to get off my chest tonight. Adios y buenas noches.

Random Calls

Random calls with the Caller ID blocked...at 11:30 p.m....disconcerting, especially since they only started coming in after my new "friend" accidentally sent a pic he was sending to me to his "recent text" list. Then all of a sudden "No Caller ID" calls started coming in...several that night, and the next day, plus sporadically since then. Then days and days and days without them, and now two tonight. I didn't get to the phone, they were missed calls, but I am concerned. I assume they are about him and not someone else from my past...but as much as I am concerned with these being about him, and about him lying to me, I am almost more frightened that a certain someone from my past is trying to get back in contact.

And if that is the case, I am terrified that I will not be able to resist at the sound of his voice. I don't know. I'm getting so paranoid, and so nervous about current and past issues, I just don't know what to do anymore. I just don't. :-(

Thought

I thought I found someone who I could sort of trust. Just should've known better, you can't trust anybody, even if you want to. Worst part is, I've been sick and feverish lately, and so I've had those very vivid fever dreams. And in those dreams, it was not this new guy who was on my mind. No, no, no. When my thoughts are not under my control, they center on him.

Anyone who has read this probably knows who he is. I don't know why my mind still goes there. I guess it has only been a month and a half since I last saw him, so its only natural that I still think about him from time to time, but I wish it would just go away. The dreams involved us being together again, but better than it ever was in actuality of course. Maybe they weren't even about him specifically, but about what I want. He's the only man I've ever loved that fervently, and so perhaps my mind in it's feverish state associated my desire to fall in love with someone who can treat me well with his face only because of the echoes of love I still feel for him.

There definitely are days that I miss him. I can't help it. Certain songs, certain movies, even certain days when the weather is just the right temperature all make me think of him, and of the times that were good (though the memories of the bad times inevitably follow). I'm not sure what to make of all this. Can't escape the memory of him, and the present of him either as I constantly run into people like his cousin, or see his comments on my friends' Facebook pages. And I can't seem to find anybody around here that I can count on. Perhaps, it really is time to finish up this degree I'm working on and hit the road...get the PhD elsewhere and start over away from the ghosts of "relationships" past. Its really the only solution that seems feasible at this point.

So much...

So much has happened in my life that I'm not even sure what to say. I'm so tired of all the high school/middle school drama that occurs with people who purport themselves to be adults. I'm just so over all of the stupid stuff. I want to surround myself with mature people...people who actually live their lives like adults and who don't resort, literally, to hair-pulling and scratching. Who does that? Children do that!

I just can't believe how I've let people like that get into my life and under my skin. I thought women were supposed to mature faster than men, but clearly in my generation nobody is mature anymore. We're all a bunch of people who have grown up in an era in which youth is so valued, that juvenile behavior of the young has become standard behavior for adults as well. There's a theory in the works here...but I'm not sure what it is yet. I can feel a theory in it's infancy developing in my brain right now. However, I think it needs to incubate a little longer and I should definitely mull it over further.

really????

wish there was some way to know the truth
before I got attached
I wish there was a way to understand
why I can never choose correctly
why I can never trust anybody
why I am battered and bruised right now
why I didn’t actually use my force this time
Why did I take pity on her?
Why did I let s*** slide?
Why didn’t I call her out when she tried and tried
to take from me what was mine?
Now I see the truth behind her lies
now I see why she really is
I’m too academic for her jumbo backside?
as she would say, she can suck a d*** (my sloppy seconds assuredly)
and kick rocks too.
B**** please, I had him first not you.

Sometimes I Hate It, Sometimes I Love It

It being who I've become, and also just being a woman. I don't even know where to start. I lie. A lot. And it's almost never without reason, but I always have to wonder if the benefits of keeping the truth from people outweigh the costs. In some ways, it serves to protect them...from information that would hurt them.

And it serves to protect me. So people don't know exactly who I am, or what I do, or who I do what with. I lie, lie, lie. And they believe me. Certain people are privy to the truth...actually besides myself, I can only think of one other person that knows almost the whole truth. Everyone needs a confidante, someone that they can just be themselves around...no bs, no lies.

Anyway, the problem with lying is that you also get suspicious of everyone else. Do I believe it when he says he's only sleeping with me? (This is a new guy by the way, not the a**hole that most of my posts have been about) I don't know if I can believe it. Do I actually allow myself to start liking him as more than a sexual plaything? Or do I hold back because attachment has brought me nothing but pain and misery in the past? I just don't know. Sometimes I hate it, and sometimes I love it. The games, the play, the lies, the deceit. It can be deliciously fun, or grievously painful and ill-advised. I'm walking that fine line right now. I wonder if I can figure out what it is I feel and believe before its too late...before the lies and deceit take over and nothing of the real me is left.

Scary!

http://www.good.is/post/young-educated-and-unemployed-a-new-generation-of-kids-search-for-work-in-their-20s/

This article makes me seriously feel like I'm having a panic-attack! Yikes!

I recognize the unrecognizable in myself. I don't know where I'm going or who I'll be traveling with, or who I'll meet along the way, but I know that moving on and forward is the only way. I've done things I am ashamed of, and a few I'm proud of. But what's done is done and I have to accept my mistakes and keep going.

Wow

So...round six has already come and gone since the last time I posted on here. All of a sudden he said, "I was thinking we could be friends." I told him ok as long as things were cordial and we weren't needlessly mean to each other, we could give it a shot. But then he started calling me "bitch" all the time (again). And telling me that I owe him...and to "get the f*** up" at 8:00 in the morning, and I just lost it, told him to f*** off, and that was that. Round six over. Hung out 3 or 4 times, he spent the night twice...we slept together three times, only one of them worth mentioning though, and that was it. The saga was over before it began this time. I didn't get emotionally attached at all this time. In fact, I was thinking, "why am I bothering" about 99% of the time. Oh well. C'est la vie and I'm moving on.

Ha!

Round five last almost exactly one week. And it only involved one face-to-face meeting. And for once it also involved NO emotional response from me....except if you count annoyance as an emotional response.

I'm happy. I have a new friend who is much better to have around than this former friend, and all in all I'm happier. My life is better without someone trying to drag me down to their level. I deserve someone who is impressed by or at least respectful of everything I have accomplished. And the friends I have now arejust that...respectful. For the moment, since I'm not looking for anything serious, I'm happy with just being respected.

Ok...

I don't know yet if this is going to be Round Five of the sick stupid smart girl relationship. But he did send me a text tonight that was so funny to me that I laughed out loud for several minutes because it struck me as so...I don't know...forced and somewhat false. Like he was trying too hard to think on my level and it just came out as a caricature. Not that he's unintelligent, but he's not intellectual. It's not his forte. And so I give you the laughter inciting text message:

Many things equal me. Many things that are not. Some good some bad. People take little bits of everyone. But can never be them!

So, maybe I'm the only one who finds this hysterical. Maybe not. I understand that of all the people who might read this, I am probably the only person who knows him personally, and knowing him may be a prerequisite to finding this funny. But, oh well.

Back in the fold?

Have I come back to this place so quickly? Does one communication mean the reopening of something? Does one meeting mean a new beginning? Or are we back at the same sick place playing the same sick game? Ready to try and hurt eachother once again?

I don't really know where this all will lead. But I can tell you that a major shift in my universe has occured in the last few days. What I do with it is the big question, I suppose. I have the power to dictate my own destiny here. I have the power to choose what I do and when. I have the power to say "no." But if I have so much of the power, why do I feel so powerless? And why do I feel as if this power I wield is something I'd really rather just get rid of all together?

How I Felt

I wrote this piece a long time ago, and I just found it in a pile of my school stuff. Thought I;d share it, even though its not really developed...it's a rough freewrite, but its honest:

I am better than this, smarter than that. Sweeter than all of them. Fantastic, sarcastics, asstastic. Haha. Nothing to scoff at, nothing to scorn. Nothing to pity and nothing to mourn. Who am I? What am I? How can I? When will I? Will there be an us? Or just a you and a me? Separate and unequal. Forever drawn together and perpetually torn apart. What to do? What to do?

I remember the day that I wrote that. I would've written more, but I was summoned upstairs to go have sex with Josh in the bathroom upstairs while he was supposed to be "showering." We were sneaking around because his ignorant, a**hole of a friend was staying at my place too. This was only a few days before the end too. It has a certain poignancy for me now. Makes me remember that there were almost no happy times.

Sometimes

Sometimes I forget myself. I get so caught up in my own emotional drama, in my own sadness over not being with the man I loved (still love in some ways), that I forget that there are other things in the world. That there are people who have suffered so much more than I have, that are in much more pain that I am, that cannot seem to ever get their lives together no matter how much they want to, no matter how much we pray for them and try to help them along the way.

I'm sad to have to accept that some people may be just beyond saving. That no matter how hard you try to rescue someone from themselves, to stop them from making mistakes, to take care of them, and point out what is best, you can't make them do it. You can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved. I've spent the last year plus trying to help people that either screw me over and throw my good nature back in my face or that just cannot seem to keep their heads above water. I want to do what's right. I want to be the type of person who doesn't let someone screwing her over and taking advantage of her generosity, love, and stubborn loyalty destroy her good nature.

I'm working on rebuliding myself. I don't want to become closed-off and bitter. I don't want to be filled with hate. I don't want to be guarded, or mean. But that's how I am with men right now. I treat them badly. Even when they don't deserve it. I ignore them, I talk to them as if they're beneath me a lot of the time. I have become cruel and vindictive and manipulative. It's all become a power-game to me. It's all become a ploy, a ridiculous farce. I don't want to keep up walls. I don't want to play games.

I want to help people. I want to be good for people. I'm not going to let Josh destroy me or my good nature. I will still be generous to those I love. I will still try to take care of people who deserve my care. Josh is obviously NOT one of those people. He took everything I had to offer him and he stole what he could, and tried to set fire to the rest, to leave me as nothing more than a pile of ashes. But I wasn't so reduced. I managed to protect myself enough to rebuild. And rebuild I shall. I will keep on doing what is right for me and I will do everything I can to protect those I love.

I read this passage in the book Monster by Walter Dean Myers that made me realize tonight that I am meant to help those people who society says do not deserve it. "The best time to cry is at night, when the lights are out and someone is being beaten up and screaming for help. That way even if you sniffle a little they won't hear you" (1).

I may have experienced pain, but my pain is so miniscule. I see that. I know that my heartache is real. I know that I've loved and lost over and over again. But all in all, I've lived and continue to live a very...I don't want to say privelaged because of the negative connotations...comfortable life. I've been lucky, I've had opportunities that some people will never get no matter how much they want them. I am grateful beyond words that I always have people who will love me, who will catch me when I fall, who support me as I journey through life. I am lucky. I am truly blessed.

Grrr...

I guess I spoke too soon. J didn't contact me...but today his best friend called and texted me...and granted several weeks ago, he did leave some crap in my house, but still. I don't want to hear from them. Any of them. My life is better and easier without all of them. I texted him back and said I was in class (actually I was shopping, but that's really not his business).

His reply "Call me after class." To which, out loud, I said, "Fuck that!" I get so sick of people telling me what to do. It's obnoxious. And coming from this particular specimen of human-like semi-consciousness, ridiculous. So I don't text back. I come home. I cook myself dinner. And as soon as I'm done eating, my phone starts buzzing. It's him again, so I wait for the voicemail to pick up...and I turn my phone off. It's 10:30 at night...you really think I'm going to let you come over to get your muscle-mass building pills or whatever the hell those ridiculous supplements are? Absolutely NOT.

Why can't these people just disappear from my life. I swear. I love my apartment, but I want to move and change my phone number just so the morons will never be able to find me. Wouldn't that be awesome?

Gratitude

I am so grateful right now that you can't even imagine. Ever since Josh and I split for the fourth (and now FINALLY decidedly last time), I have had several nagging fears that I am now fully capable of sharing because they have been dispelled.

First, I was scared TO DEATH that I was pregnant again. I know, I know. How the fuck could I have been so stupid as to even allow that to be a possibility again? But nevertheless it was. That possibility has been officially crossed off my list of worries. So, goodbye chance at having some lifelong connection to the bastard. Today was a good day on that front.

Second, was a different kind of worry. The sneaky, manipulative slimeball was aware of the chronology of certain things about to happen in my life (school starting, when I get financial aid etc...), and because he has conned money out of me before, I had this horrible gut-feeling that he would come slithering back like the nasty little reptile he is when the semester started. Unfortunately for him, all my financial aid went right into funding school this year, so there was nothing leftover for him to steal anyway, but he didn't know that.

BUT, it's the second week of classes and there has been no word, no contact, and he knew that the end of August marked the beginning of school. According to my clock, it is now September 2nd and I am still free! I think I am finally free for real this time. This is the longest we've gone since we met without some kind of contact, and I'm beginning to be able to breath easy again.

I don't kid myself into believing that I will never see him again by chance...this is too small a city to really avoid someone. But I know that I will never let him back into my life. I know that he will never become meaningful in my life again.

I refuse to regret what happened in the last year because I learned so much from it. But I am happy to have moved into a new chapter of my life; one in which I am in control, in which I make my decisions, and one in which I can fully be myself. I have found my path in life and am happy to be right here.

A huge wave of relief washed over me today for so many reasons, and I am grateful to God and to the universe that I now find myself without Josh once and for all. Gracias. Merci. Grazie. Danke. Thank You! Thank You! Thank You!

Heart and Mind

Missing the illusion of happiness I once had.
Missing what was never really there.
Missing the companionship I delusionally felt.
And the friendship that never was.

My heart misses what my heart imagined.
Images of my happy dream flash before me.

But my mind knows better,
as it always has,
and for once it reigns supreme over my heart.

Big Sister is back in control.
The neurons are firing strongly once more.
The cries of the heart are silenced by the muzzle of the mind.
And I might just have an oppportunity to be happy once more.

I think...

I think I hit a point this week that changed my outlook. I don't miss him anymore. At least not like I used to. I used to long for a text, a call, for him to show up on my doorstep. But now, I dread the possibility. I don't want his calls, his texts, and I definitely don't want to see his face.

I have spent the last week being confronted over and over and over again with the lingering consequences of life with him...of what he did to my life, of the awfulness inflicted upon me as a result of his presence, and of the STUPID choices I made under his influence. I am still trying to unbury myself from the debt (literal financial debt) that I entombed myself in because I wanted to please him, or give what I had to him instead of taking care of my responsibilities.

Once free of it's haze, it's unfathomable and ridiculous what love will do to your mind. I fell in love for all the wrong reasons, and held onto a toxic relationship for even worse reasons. I'm not really sure I ever want to fall in love so fully again. At this point, I'm not even sure I'm capable of it. I don't want to lose myself so fully in someone else.

Maybe that's the problem though...my love for Josh wasn't a healthy love, it was toxic, he was a drug to me, a dangerous one. Love should better you and your situation, it should bring out the best in you...not drag you down to the point of destitution and despair.

Anyway, I think that I should definitely take a hiatus from love for a while. I've got school full-time now, and apparently by some incomprehensible miracle, it seems at least for another week or so, I have a job...not sure how that happened, or if it will last, but for the moment, I'm not going to look a gift-horse in the mouth. I'm going to accept any opportunity I receive to redeem myself to the world, and hope like hell that I've paid enough for my sins, and that karma will not continue to lambast me with hardships and hard blows. I'm note sure how much more I can take in that department.

But anyway, at least now I am seeing with clear, unfiltered eyes that he is not a necessary or even desired part of my life, and that with time he won't be such a prevalent subject of my thoughts (even though now it has moved from "I miss him" to "I despise him"). I am striving to dedicate myself wholeheartedly to school and to a future in the field of education, and cannot allow myself to be so derailed again. Anyway, that's all for tonight. Buenas noches.

Tired of it All

I'm tired of thinking about it. I'm tired of talking about it. Yeah, the bastard hurt me...and no I'm not entirely over it. Not even close yet. But I'm on the way to healing, and I'm tired of whining about the past. Yes, he destroyed my life, made relationships with my family strained, shattered some really good, close friendships into irreparable pieces, took my money, got me pregnant and wouldn't accept the fact that I was pregnant, tore me down and took away my belief in myself and my own self-worth. But you know what? My belief in myself is stronger than ever now, because I survived, and I am strong. I can repare much of the damage that was done. I'll never be the same. And those friends I lost will more than likely never forgive me for what I did to them...and I can't really say that's ok, but it is what it is, and I can and will deal with it. It's time to move on, and move forward. Time to rebuild my academic future and rededicate myself to living a full and productive life in society. Much bad and much good has come out of our year-long tumultuous and often torturous relationship.

There will always be a part of me that holds onto the love I felt for him. But it is ever-shrinking and ever-easier to ignore completely. So here I am. I am letting it go. I refuse to be angry and bitter about it anymore. It still hurts, but that will fade with time. I'm letting go.

So, I know you're not reading this. But for my own benefit, I'm going to say it:

Goodbye Josh. I have to let it go now. You were never good for me, a fact that both of us knew, but until recently neither of us could cut it off. I'm actually glad it's over...most of the time. I hold no animosity toward you, and I wish you the best in the future. So, as I said, goodbye.

UGH!!!

Why can't I get over him? I'm always thinking about him...can't see myself with anyone but him. I'm so sad...I feel so pathetic without him!

wow

Wow! What a weekend! I don't even know where to start. In fact, I'm too tired to go too deeply into it right now. Unfortunately last night i did see him, but we didn't so much as speak to one another. I miss him a lot. We were good friends...at least it seemed that way. Maybe I'm still holding onto the illusion I had of him rather than what actually was there. I just miss the feeling I had when he was with me...when we had long conversations. I don't know. I just miss who I felt I was or who I could be when I was with him. :-( Maybe I'm just still sad and trying to get over it all. I'm sure I just need time.

Feeling

Feeling off today...not sure why. I hope it's the heat and nothing more. But even though I'm feeling off, I think being alone with my thoughts lately has been really beneficial...helped me work some things out in my own mind and heart. I realize that I don't need him. Never did.

All he ever really brought me was pain, suffering, and misery. A tornadic force in my life that whipped everything into a frenzied chaos, but as the dust settles down around me, all I see are remnants of a life that I should have had. Broken pieces of friendships, family bonds, trust, dreams, and myself, scattered about as if Picasso had painted it. So here I am, broom in hand, sweeping up the pieces and starting over again (again, again, again because this is the fourth time this has happened). The thing of it is, this time, I truly have had enough. I'm thankful to be escaping with my life. And I'm thankful to be free to go where I want and do what I want with my future. I don't feel tied down anymore.

I had started to feel trapped by him...the way he wanted me to...I didn't feel like I could pursue things myself, I felt like I needed him. I don't. I don't need him to survive, and pretty soon, I'll be back on my feet to the point where I won't need anyone else to help me surviv

e. Only myself.

I look forward to that day, but until then, I am thankful to my family and friends who are here to help me.

I loved this for a year...a part of me will probably love him forever, but my mind has finally overcome my heart. He's not worth all the pain. He's not worth degrading myself. He's not worth anything.

Burn

This song...like a window into what my life felt like for a year. Moving up and moving on now, but this song and video are incredible.

A memory

It's been a year since I met him...and we're done again. we've been back and fourth four times...this is the end of the fourth...and hopefully the last...for my own safety and sanity it almost has to be.

But I just had a flashback to the first or second time around. We were talking, just casually talking and joking around. He said something about hitting or fighting or something like that. And I said that I'd never been in a fight before. He said, "So, you've never been hit before, like punched?" And I replied, "No. Of course not." He laughed and said, "Good. I'll be the first." I laughed and gave him a skeptical look as we did not know each other all that well at that point.

He saw my face and said, "I was just kidding," with his patented smile that has never failed to melt my heart even when I'm furious with him. I smiled back, unable to resist. And then he added, "Kind of."

At that point I never thought that he would follow through on the promise to be the first to hit me. That memory just came back to me as I was thinking about the past year. This past Friday marked exactly one year since our meeting, and my life has been turmoil ever since.

I really didn't think he would hit me. But he did. I've now been in a physical altercation (I'm not exactly sure it could be called a fight)...I've been punched. I've been brutalized emotionally in a way I never thought possible. I never thought I'd allow anyone to do that to me. But I did. He ruined a year of my life...in the worst possible ways. But I'm still standing. I survived. And I will continue to do so...I will thrive. I will move forward and be stronger for it. Never again will I be a victim...never again will I allow myself to be victimized.

Any time a man so much as jokes about hitting me...I'm turning around and heading in the other direction. End of story.

tears

tears still flow...welling up. quivering lips, feeling defeated. wish u loved me. wish u valued me. wish we were better people than we are. both sneaking...both lying...both disrespecting. wish we could be what we should. but we can't and I might have some news that will tear us apart at the seams...i hope I'm wrong.

Wish

I really wish I could get rid of you. You do horrible shit to me. And I always keep letting you walk right back through my door. I keep letting you stay here. I keep letting you in. I keep letting my heart get stomped on. You write inappropriate things to other girls on my computer...then get mad at me when I say something about it. You know I love you and you still do that to me. Right in my face. And you think it's funny. You think it's ok. You act like I'm doing the same thing even though you have NO proof whatsoever. You go around having sex with other people, and you get mad at me for saying something about it.

I'm beautiful. I'm intelligent. I'm actually doing things with my life. I have a future. I could do practically anything I want to in this world. But I keep letting you drag me down. Sitting here with the dregs of society...right now. You're sitting not ten feet away from me as I write this. You just got off the phone with another girl...who you call at three in the morning from my G.D living room. Then you make fun of me for being mad. Because when I'm in love with someone and I'm sleeping with them, I don't consider it just a friend thing. Not even remotely close. I don't think I'm crazy for that. In fact, that's probably the sanest thing about me.

The insane thing is why I allow this shit to continue. I just can't let you go. Even though every logical bone in my body tells me I need to do just that. El dominicano calls me...wants to come over...calls me beautiful and smart...recognizes how valuable I am...but I had to tell him no because you're here. I have another SEXY man inviting me to his house two nights in a row...but do I go over there? No, because you're here.

I had someone staying with me who needed a place to stay and who was trying to help me out with things...but you guys were no longer friends (because of how you treated me, by the way...in case you were wondering why he got mad at you), and you told me the only way we could be friends was if I got rid of him. So, I did it. And still feel guilty as hell about it. No lie. But I did it for you. I have loyalty to you. When have you ever shown any to me? When have you ever done anything for me? When have you ever even shown that you give a damn about me or my well-being? The answer is simple...never. You have never treated me well. So I have to wonder. Why did I ever fall in love with you? Why do I care about you? Why can't I just throw you out on your ass right now and say to hell with this and you? Why? Why? Why?

I wish I was stronger. I wish I didn't love you. I wish I had never met you. I wish I had never gotten pregnant. I wish I hadn't had the miscarriage too (because if I was still pregnant, I wouldn't be anywhere near you). I wish I was far far away from here right now. I wish you loved me. I wish you cared at all about the effect your actions and words have on me. I wish. I wish. I wish.

I want to be anywhere but here right now. I want to be anyone but me right now.

Tired

Why do I keep letting myself be used? Why do I put up with all his bullshit? He takes their calls when he's hanging out at my house...goes outside with a big grin on his face when they call. Thinks its funny that it bothers me. I fucking hate it. I don't like being treated like dirt. I hate that he came over to have sex with me yesterday and then is out there talking to her today. It hurts so bad. I just don't even know what to do anymore. I'm on round four and its not getting any better. Round one was all insults...round two was losing money, getting shoved around, insults and pregnancy...round three was getting punched, getting in a car accident, insults, money and heartache...what the hell could possibly happen now in round four? Will I survive it?

Just trying to figure it out

First of all, in the past three nights, I may have gotten enough sleep to be acceptable by normal standards for one night, but oh well. I chose to stay up until 5:30 a.m. today, and I'd say I regret it, but I don't. The only thing I regret is not sneaking in more sleep somewhere, but I had to get up and go to school. Oh well again.

I'm still trying to figure out which direction I'm going to go...finish the MA and go for the PhD, get a Post-Bacc teaching certificate...or do something else entirely?? Who knows at this point? Certainly not me. I'm mulling over my options, and I'll probably go talk to the College of Education soon and try to figure out what I would have to do to get into the Post-Bacc certification program. Well, that's all for now.

Well, well, well

Roommate-less and happy about it. I felt kind of bad doing it. Anyone who knows the situation, understands why I did it. But at the same time...he looked so sad and hurt. I don't know. I feel guilty, but at the same time it was what's best for me. I guess it's complicated and my feelings about the whole situation are complicated too. I don't know. I guess I always just feel too guilty for doing something that may hurt somebody.

How on Earth did I get back here?

There's only one thing to say right now....round four...didn't think I could get much stupider. But apparently it's possible. At least I'll never run out of material.

already on my last nerve...

Only been around each other twice...and already I'm pissed off...I think this is a sign.

Too Funny

Ok...so I was walking out of my apartment building and this guy says hi to me. So, I'm polite and return the greeting as I walk to my car. I figure that's all there is to it, but he tries to continue the conversation. "How's it going?" Or something to that effect. I stop, and he decides to ask me if I want his number, or if he can have mine. I give him mine, and figure that's that. I really had no intention of taking his call.

He calls twice in a matter of about two minutes. I don't answer either one, mainly because I'm trying to get my key back from the tall tard who is crashing on my couch, but he's too busy talking on the phone about going out tonight (with no job...I'm not sure where the fool is getting the money to do this, but whatever). So I get in the car and figure I'll text the guy back, but as I'm texting he calls. So, I figure, why not? And I answer.

In the course of the conversation he tells me, "My name's Fred. But my friends call me Flinstone." If that isn't funny enough, he goes on to say, "Just so you don't get lost in the sauce." Really...I don't even know what to say anymore. If they're not evil, self-centered a**holes, then they are so stupid that they actually allow themselves to be a walking punchline. What do I do anymore? Are there any real men left?

What to say? What to do?

A question for all you people out there...if anyone's reading this at all...have you ever done something that you knew you shouldn't...but it felt so good that you did it anyway? Maybe it made you feel powerful...or just stronger...or maybe just a little bit naughty...whatever the feeling may be, it just felt good?

I seem to have way too many of those moments in my life. Things that feel good at the time, but then later on down the road, they end up leading to trouble. A lot of times too, I know ahead of time that trouble will inevitably follow, but I don't care. Maybe I'm too impulsive, but at the same time, life is a series of moments and if you're happy in the moment, living for that moment, can you really ask for anything more?

Sure, considering the consequences is important, and it is definitely the more mature thing to do, especially for someone who is as smart as I am and can easily anticipate the outcome of nearly everything. But, if I were to get hit by a bus and die tomorrow, would I want to have denied myself something I truly wanted or needed just because I was afraid of what might happen later? It's a tough question to answer because there is good logic for either side of the argument, and I am one who has a hard time choosing sides on this.

I can say that if I knew what the results of my actions would be, I would have done things differently, or at least I can say that I should have done things differently. But, in truth, I don't think I would take anything back. I got too much joy and pleasure out of a lot of what I did to go back and take that out of my life, no matter how much bad stuff followed. Maybe that isn't the right thing to say, but it is the truth. I may not be happy with everything that happened to me, but at the same time, I am glad in a way that it all happened.

What would I rather have-a calm, mature boring life with very few worthwhile memorable moments? Or a life that is dramatic at times, and maybe full of immature moments but that is entirely memorable and wild? I think I'll side with the drama and the wildness anyday. I want to be able to look back on my life one day and say that I really lived. That I did things, that I saw things, that I knew interesting people and I did interesting things (and maybe people too-- ;-) ). At the end of my life I don't want to regret passing up the opportunity to live because I was scared or tired or hurt.

Holding Back

I'm trying to figure out my future...or at least my plans for my future. I'm really not sure what to do anymore. On the one hand, I LOVE being in school, and I love the idea of being a professor, but at the same time, I'm not sure how economically feasible it is right now to continue on in the realm of higher education. I'm already saddled down with more than my fair share of student loans and I don't know what my degree in Spanish is really going to do to help remedy that. I'm torn about what to do. It'd be great to be a professor, like I said. But is that much more school really a good idea right now? Is it even feasible that I'd get into a doctorate program and get the funding that I would need since the economy has definitely affected the economy. I could study to get a Post-Bacc Teaching Certificate, but would that be economically feasible either? More costly school to get trained for a job that is rewarding yes, but well-paying, no?

Do I leave school and get a job? Knowing that I'd have to start paying back my loans all that much sooner? I'm conflicted and it's really taxing to me right now...constantly exhausted, frustrated, distracted. I just really need to figure things out asap so that I don't feel so hopeless and frustrated.

A few days

It's been a few days since I updated. I'm still trying to figure out my life. Moved on in a few ways from my past and that's cool. However, the focus of my life cannot be all social and man-related. I need a plan and goals for myself in other ways...beyond the immediate. You know what I mean, right? I've been doing schoolwork, and obviously I have my job which is not too shabby. So, for now my mind is reeling with all kinds of thoughts and ideas. Hopefully I can get a full grip on things soon and start heading down the right path. :-) a little vague today, but I'm tired, so maybe I'll be a little more concrete and forthcoming next time.

Constantly Tired

I don't know what it is lately, but I am ALWAYS tired! I'm tired all day from the moment I get out of bed until the moment I go back to bed. And I've been sleeping more now than I was before. I'm not sleeping an excessive amount. I just don't get it! What is going on with me that is causing this? Can the emotional stress of a "break-up" really make me feel this drained? Or is it something else entirely? What is going on??????????

I really would love to be able to just stay in bed all day today and do nothing, but I doubt that'd help me feel any better at this point. Plus I have to go to class and then to work. It's just strange how I've been feeling this week. Hopefully the exhaustion will pass.

Still holding on...

I'm managing to keep it together. It's pretty hard, and I keep wanting to go running back and apologize and try to get everything to go back the way it was...but then I realize that I hated the way it was...and I miss not him, but the idea I had of him...this version of him I had formulated in my mind...a good person, a person with a heart, a person with a soul. He is not that person...he has proven that time and again, in so many different ways. And so I stop in my tracks, realize what I'm doing, and regroup. It happens hundreds of time a day, and hopefully soon it will be less frequent. I will be able to go fifteen minutes without thinking about him...and then an hour, then an afternoon, then an entire day, and so on and so forth. I just need to make a conscious effort to focus myself on other things.

For now my motivation is a reworking of the famous Ivanka Trump phrase, "Don't get mad, get everything." Well in this case, it's more like "Channel your anger into something productive, and become a fabulous success in the world." Success is the best revenge against a guy who's main goal in your entire relationship was to drag you down and destroy you. He may have cared about me at some point...I know I believed it at one point...but now, whether he cared or not isn't the issue. He's not worth it. He's so far beneath me he may as well have burrowed into the Earth's core. And the funniest part about the whole thing is he had me convinced temporarily that the situation was the reverse...that I was the one beneath him. (Oh, Sandy don't make me laugh. Ha ha ha). Whatever. He knows as well as I do that I am heads and tails above any girl he knows. I hope to see the day that he truly gets what's coming to him. Karma's a bitch...even more of one than me. And when he gets his comeuppance, it'll be a good day for all women.

Why?

Why is it so hard to let go of something that was so bad? It hurts to be without him. I'm not sure if that pain is any worse than how much it hurt to be with him...but it's pretty damn bad. I don't know why. I wish he were different. I wish he were the man I had built him up to be in my mind instead of the boy who he was in reality. He destroyed my life, and who I am. I don't know if I'm ever going to fully recover. Maybe I'll never be whole again.

Day One

Well, he gave me enough of my stuff back to be okay. I got my TV, and my movies. And I got him out of my life. Problem is, his dilapidated piece of garbage wrecked car is still at my house. Well, in the parking lot of my apartment building. Every time I walk outside, I see him because of that car. I guess I just need time to get over him, but I don't want his crap around as a reminder either. I'm not sure there's anything I can do about it because I am NOT allowing myself to contact him anymore. If I do, I'm just going to fall back into the same trap I was in before. And honestly, I want to text message him so bad, and I've gone to do it over and over and over today...sometimes out of habit and other times out of weakness, but I have stopped myself every time...even before I started typing. Because when I moved away, I was still in contact with him, and that's why I never actually got over any of it.

He never loved me. He never respected me. And I sure as hell deserve better than a man who treats me like shit...who thinks he's smarter than me when he can't even spell does ("dose") or exactly ("exxacally"). Anyway, this is the first day that I have been completely out of contact with him. Not even an attempt to contact him. And it was hard but easy at the same time. It's nice not to be on call, to feel rejected when he puts me off (as it turns out because he was with another girl), to always know that he's doing something hurtful and saying something hurtful behind my back. I'm sad in a lot of ways, but I keep getting sad about the horrible things he did to me. I'm not sad that I ended it. That's what's weird. I'm sad because I'm processing all the shit he did to me and kicking myself for letting it continue as long as I did. I'm sad for wasting my time, energy, money, etc...on a worthless piece of trash. I'm sad because I let my life get derailed over and over again for this loser. He is scum. He's a worthless person who refuses to work for anything for himself, who uses people and takes what they have instead of accomplishing anything himself. I could go into a deep psychological analysis of him right now, but am too tired.

Day One Sans Josh: Successful

Wish me luck on Day Two!

The idiot

He thinks he has game...but he always trips up. Like calling her from my phone...without blocking the caller ID so she has my number, and not erasing the calls from my call log...in fact, he accidentally saved the number in my phone as an unnamed contact. What a dumbass! And she called me tonight after he had borrowed my car to "go see his brother." Because instead of going to see his brother he went to go pick up some nasty fat white-trash tramp when he had ALSO promised the other girl he was gonna be with her tonight (that makes three of us). But, she called him on his BS, and followed him to his place, went in and saw him with the fat girl...went out to her car and immediately called me. Since she was with my friend who's crashing at my house she was coming over here anyway...so we had a long chat and then went over to the asshole's house. He refused to give me my stuff back but at least I got my car. He claims he'll give me my stuff at 3:00 p.m., but I guess we'll see. I'm supposed to meet up with my dad today for lunch, etc...and I want him to go with me. I'm sure he will if it means getting the loser out of my life once and for all.

One last look to anyone who's interested at the loser...believe me if you're a female and you run into him, don't listen to a word he says. He lies, he cheats, he does everything that's wrong. And I plan to tell the whole story of it here...but it's gonna take some time. There's so much to say and tell.

Saddest thing: The girl who picked me up and helped me out is still seeing that loser. Oh Alicia: You've got to be the biggest dumbass in the world!!!!!! After what you already witnessed and what I told you...you still went crawling back like a pathetic little loser. And Josh: Congrats on finding someone stupid enough to buy your bullshit for another go-around with you. I can only rejoice in the fact that this time, it wasn't me!

I forgot to mention...

In all my being angry and frustrated with some of the moronic imbeciles in my life, I forgot to mention some great news for MY life on here. I have a job. I started working at the University Bookstore this week, and so far its been great! I haven't had a job since December (though really I stopped working before that...I was simply employed until December), and being back on the workforce is actually quite enjoyable. It gives me a lot less downtime to feel bad, or upset, or sorry for myself. In other words, it helps to keep me from wallowing in the misery that is my life when I spend all my time with a few specific individuals.

As I said, it's only been this week so far, but I don't feel the constant need to be away from my house when I'm here...because I barely spend anytime here anymore. And being tired after a long day of work, the class, and then work again keeps me from always wanting to go out to the clubs and act stupid with the people who are a bad influence on my life (or sometimes with the people who aren't...though the behavior at the clubs is esentially the same). In other words, I'm calmer now. I have something else to focus on besides myself and him. I have school which I love right now (film classes are the best thing in the world for a movie geek like me), and I have a job that suits me. I mean...bookstore? me? Match made in heaven...if only it were a bookstore/movie emporium...hmmm....maybe I should open one of those one day. ;-) Anyway, I'm trying to make sure that I stay focused...that I don't let anyone distract or dissuade me....that I remember that there are really good things in my life right now along with the bad...some of that bad I'm in the process of getting rid of. Unfortunately some of it is sitting ten feet away from me right now, trying to write an assignment for his class and doing it VERY slowly. Not sure what that's about. Oh well. Work is good. School is great. And I'm happy to be alive and writing right now. What else can I say?

Moving Forward

Leaving the jerk who almost killed me by the wayside for the moment, I'm trying to focus my energies and mind on school. I just started my newest summer session today. I'm only taking one class this time, a film class studying Censorship and Hollywood, basically. We're starting off talking about so-called pre-code films (before the censorship code was enforced in Hollywood). I love film classes, in these classes along with English literature classes...this is where I thrive, where my mind feels fully engaged and active.

I ended up really enjoying my history class last session even though there were some days sitting in class that bored me to tears (let's face it...some days sitting still and listening is just so much more difficult than others). I wish I wouldn't have let my relationship with the jerk distract me so much from my studies last session. I still got fair grades, but if I had fully committed myself, I know I would have had excellent grades. I guess last session I was a step above the last two semesters where I just stopped attending classes period. Now this session is my moment to come back in full force. To go to class EVERY day, to do all my work to the best of my ability. I will not let anything that does or does not happen with the idiot have an effect on my work. It's too important to me now. I need to have real goals and a path in life. I can't let him destroy me any further.

Worst Night of My Life

He almost killed me tonight...literally and accidentally. He was driving in the rain, lost control, and hit a tree. HARD. And then, here's the best part...we get to my house and he leaves me to go fuck another bitch, some Mexican skank...I'm hurt...physically...my chest is fucked up from the seatbelt, I hit my head, and my lip is fucked up...but he abandons me for some other girl...after he gets done telling me how glad he is that I'm ok and that he'd rather have died himself than have the same thing happen to me...after he says all this stuff making me feel like he actually cares, he leaves me, even though I asked him not to. And I had to walk about 3 miles back downtown to go get my car because he left me without my car.

He was supposed to be with me tonight. That's what we were going to do when we were headed to my house...and then he went off with her. I don't even know what to say. This is the second time he's caused me real an severe physical injury. It's 5:23 a.m. and I'm still wide awake... traumatized and a mess. I feel like I wish I WOULD have been more seriously hurt in the car accident, or that I WOULD have died. Anything to get me out of this situation.

Stupider than I thought...but this time I'm walking away

I actually trusted him. Stupid me. When he said he wasn't sleeping with anyone else...I made the conscious decision to try to trust him. BIG MISTAKE! He's at her house now...at this very moment. The woman who is so far beneath me that she's practically in the core of the Earth. The woman who he guaranteed me over and over again he had no interest in. The woman who he got pregnant. And stupid me...I listened to the bastard.

But this today...was the last straw. I can't be this pathetic person anymore. I'm not letting some loser run/ruin my life anymore. I quit. I'm gone. I don't want to be the world's stupidest smart girl anymore. I just want to be smart. Even if that means being alone for a while. Being alone is better than being used and abused, right?

Just Got Out of Class

I just got out of class about a half an hour ago...and while I realize I should be working on my final paper for said class...my mind is reeling with other things...related to school and not. The class is African American history as I've stated before. What may not have been clear in my posts before is that the man that I am friends with right now (that truthfully I hope will turn into more), is African American. Thus, in class I cannot help but think of him, and in being with him, sometimes it makes me think of my class. Maybe it would be better for me if these two facets of my world were not quite so interrelated, but on the other hand, it gives me focus that I didn't have previously in trying to balance him with school.

I guess the thing is, class really made me think today. I have an amazing professor who is extraordinarily passionate about what he teaches and about compelling his students to take a good look at the world around them and to really try to change it. And his lecture today in particular (it was the last day of lecture, we have a final exam tomorrow), made me start to really consider what I want to do with my life. What do I hold dear? What kind of change do I want to evoke in the world? What are my goals and ambitions? And maybe even more importantly, what will pursuing this relationship do to those goals? Will this man being in my life ultimately function as a benefit or a detriment to me?

And even harder to answer, is there any way to know the answer to this? Say I walk away right now...what if he really was the great love of my life and I threw away potential happiness? Or what if I stay, and it implodes as it has done multiple times before, and I find myself even further away from achieving what I want to achieve? I'm so conflicted, and everything in my mind is spinning around and around in circles. I want a relationship (a monogamous one)...but what cost would this relationship have on my individual goals? I doubt I'll find the answer today, but I had to throw it out there.

lies, lies, lies

Fuck you and your lies. I'm done playing these games. I've got someone who calls me, who answers every time I call him. Who talks to me with respect...who's better looking than you. Who actually cares about what I say. Who wants to make me happy. Who wants to make me smile. Why am I still crying about you? Why do I even care anymore. Oh yeah, that's right...because I almost had your baby, because you have all my money...and because I can't seem to break this cycle of abuse and self-abuse.

Pain in the ass

I'm so sick of this garbage! Either date me or don't, but don't keep stringing it along. Stop being an ass and just decide.

El Dominicano

I met a Dominican guy last night...his name escapes me right now...I think it started with a B...but anyway, I met a Dominican guy. He was very attractive. He was attentive. He treated me well...almost like a queen. But I still rejected him. Now, ask me why? The answer is easy and stupid at the same time. Because I'm in love with someone else. Someone else who probably was doing the same type of thing with some other girl last night, except he probably went through with it whereas I did not.

But meeting this guy, and being treated that way made me realize that I've hit my limit finally. It's now or never with the guy I'm in love with because there are other men out there who not only want me, but treat me with respect. The whole time I was around this guy, I kept wishing he was the guy I love...that the man I love would say those things to me and look at me the way that this guy was, who danced with me like that, who pursued me...not the other way around. But then of course reality sets in and I realize El Dominicano is not my guy...and sleeping with him would make me into a person that I do NOT want to be. I'm not going to sleep with someone to get revenge for the many times the guy I love has slept with other girls. I'm not that woman.

I am a woman who adores someone, and would do anything for him. I can't betray that...no matter how justified I might be in it.

My Mind

I am bored. I wish school hel my attention the way it once did. Don't get me wrong, I like writing assignments and the like, but I can't stand actually sitting through class. I just want to get my degree and move on. I greatly prefer distance education courses where you are pretty much self-sufficient working alone and turning in assignments online. I like that, I can handle that. But for finanical aid, etc...I have to actually be in class. Ironic that I hate sitting in class but I want to one day be a professor. However, teaching in my desire to be a professor is secondary at the moment. I want to write and get published. I want to share my knowledge and ideas with people who are interested in the same things that interest me. The only reason I really attend my class right now is because I must...to keep my GPA at an acceptable level. And it's making me crazy!! Just give me the assignments, let me do them, and that's the end of it. I want to get my MA and PhD and be done with it already!

Love Kills Slowly

My favorite phrase from Ed Hardy..."love kills slowly." It's true on a lot of levels, because I feel a lot of the time like I've lost myself because I fell in love with someone. In essence falling in love killed the independent me. The me who didn't need anybody to make her feel complete. The me who though maybe a bit selfish, had a clear path and clear goals. The me who didn't let another person dictate who she is or how she feels. The me who didn't have to try so hard and could just be. The me who didn't always feel like she could never be good enough.

I love someone who I'm not even sure is capable of love. And I'm on the verge of losing it completely. The different "me's" are constantly at war right now, battling it out to determine who I'm going to be. And I have to say, he's pushing me to the point that it will probably be the me without a man that wins out. I don't really know how much I can take before I have to scream out "ENOUGH!" and walk away...cut my losses and move on. I love him but I know that what is going on right now isn't good for me. Loving him changes me. And sometimes in ways that I really don't like.

A Coversation

6-22-2010

I had an interesting conversation today. With a Black man. I wouldn't emphasize the man's race if the conversation itself did not revolve around race. We were talking and the subject of racism came up. He started talking about people who have openly told him they are racism, and how stupid, basically, those people are. The conversation progressed to discussing even stupider people who always preface their racist views and comments with, "I'm not racist," or "I'm not trying to be racist but..." Obviously you are indeed racist if you feel that when Black people moved into your neighborhood it ceased to be a "nice neighborhood," or if you think that all Black men are thugs who speak in ebonics, are inarticulate, and are bad scary people. I have heard all of these statements and many more professed by people who claim to not be racist. My friend and I were both laughing at, and frustrated by such people and their ignorant views.

The conversation again shifted when my friend asked me about the class I had to go to today...the same class that I am currently sitting in, sort of listening but mostly writing this. The class is African American History (up to 1877). We started, for some reason, talking about my paper topic for the day, Thomas Jefferson. The question I was asked to answer in my paper was, given evidence that Jefferson had a relationship with his slave and in fact, owned slaves at all, was Jefferson the great American hero we always hear about, or was ha villain and a hypocrite given his rhetoric and ideals about the inalienable rights of all men? Without even being told about Jefferson's affair with Sally Hemings, my friend automatically assumed as much...that Jefferson quote, "loved some Black pussy," and he went on jokingly to say that that must be where the "once you go Black, you never go back" saying and "Jungle Fever" came from.

While he was clearly joking around, his immediate understanding that Jefferson had a love affair with his slave was impressively astute. Of course, the subject of slavery being opened up, this is the direction we headed in...my friend claimed he knew about Jefferson from the "slave book" that's been passed down (again jokingly), and then reiterated an idea he's discussed on many previous occassions.

His idea is simply this. One day he's going to be rich and powerful, and one day he's going to be the biggest cotton producer in the world and that he would "hire white slaves" to work the fields, in his own form of racial justice for the injustices done to Black people throughout history. Now, while his idea may be far-fetched (as far as actual execution goes), he raised an interesting point. How could the injustices throughout history and presently be rectified? Is there even a way? We talked a bit further, contemplating what may have happened if Africans had had guns prior to European invasion. If they had maybe been able to ward off the invaders and had never been enslaved as they were, what would the world look like?

This country, as we discussed, is the world superpower. Especially when we look at the corporations. Many of these corporations, some of the wealthiest in the world, as well as this nation as a whole, were built on the backs of slaves. Without slavery, this country might never have come to be at all, or if it had, very likely would not be the world superpower that it is today. How different the world would be indeed. So radically different that I personally feel incapable of fathoming it. My friend and I likely would never have met or had the conversation we just did if this were the case. Would he (or I, for that matter) even have been born? Big ideas and questions for a brief, casual conversation. This friend of mine is an amazing man who always shows me another way of seeing things, he pushed me to be better, intellectually and in life. I love this friend, more than he could ever know. My life will never be the same now that I've known him. And no matter what happens with him and me in the future, I will always be indebted to him for changing my life.

Trust

How do you learn to trust somebody who lied to you so many times before? Can you trust them? How is trust re-earned? Even though I am good at detecting lies, I hate having to do it. I want people to be honest with me. I also don't want to keep having to be dishonest to people in an attempt to protect them. That always seems to backfire too. But anyway, I was just putting these thoughts out there. If anyone's reading and has an opinion on this...I'm all ears.

In the eyes

I had trouble looking people in the eyes today. I know most people don't know. But I feel that if we make eye contact, they will. Like they'll be able to see into my head...even though I've covered all other signs well. What is that? Will it pass?

Bruises

I'm pretty bruised right now. But the deepest bruises are the ones nobody can see...the emotional wounds, scars forming in my heart and mind. The others...they'll heal. They already are. And while they currently serve as a reminder of a night that I will remember forever...they will be gone soon, and that night of infamy will slowly fade from my consciousness and willnot constantly be at the forefront of my thoughts.

A testimony to my current insanity is written on my arms, chest, and head right now. A visual map of mistakes I've made. Of choices I've made. The stupid smart girl seems to be getting incrementally stupider by the day, and the story that I set out to tell (thinking it was over and done with) is still unfolding before me.

I am the type of person who truly believes that everything happens for a reason...even if we can't see those reasons at the time. Hopefully, I will one day be able to see the reasons for the direction my life is headed. I can only hope that the path I'm on leads somewhere good. There has to be a light at the end of the tunnel...right? Anyway, that's all for now. I'm going to cover up the bruises...internal and external as best as I can and head to class.

The Non-Existent Kiss And the Jealous Non-Boyfriend

So I found myself at the center of more drama last night. In fact, I've been involved in some serious drama a few times this week. Thursday night ended in a fight...not a verbal fight, a physical one. And last night...well, I went to meet up with the guy that I'm talking to. Let's make this clear. We've been talking on and off for a WHILE now. And we know eachother pretty well. But, we are NOT DATING. This is a fact that he repeats to me over and over and over whenever I get upset that he talks to other girls too (and by talks that also means sleeps with). He always tells me. "It's none of your business," and "we're not dating," and "you're not my girlfriend."

But, last night, like I said I went to meet up with him. He had been out at the bars with his friend (a guy). I had not been out at the bars, I had been chilling out catching up with an old friend. So, I went and waited for him by his car. They came up and he was talking to someone on the phone...obviously a girl. He got in the car and just sat there. His friend on the other hand, came over to my car and wanted me to get out and talk to him. This guy has always flirted with me, but nothing ever came of it because there's no way I would be interested. He was flirting, etc...and all of a sudden "my guy" dumped his friend's stuff out of his car and took off...squealing tires, the works.

When I finally got ahold of him to find out what was up. He answered the phone, "What, bitch?" I was confused because he sounded mad. I asked "What was that about?" He proceeded to tell me that I was the most dsgusting ho he knows because I kissed his friend on the lips...which of course I didn't do and would never do. But he couldn't be convinced. He was jealous. And his reaction was to tell me that he was going to go sleep with somebody else. I'm not sure if he did that or not. But really, he sees other women...hits on girls at clubs when I'm standing right next to him...and sleeps with other women whenever he feels like it. But, I get flirted with and he thinks he sees a kiss, and he flips out on me? What is that?

Honestly, I don't get it. Of course today he backtracks and says he doesn't care if I did anything or not. He says he doesn't care about me at all. That I'm crazy to ascertain from his melodramatic reaction to what he claims he saw that he has feelings for me. He's trying to regain the upper hand, to make me feel insecure. But after last night and the crap that went down on Thursday...what he doesn't get is that either he goes from being my "non-boyfriend" to an actual boyfriend, or I am forcibly removing him from my life. Permanently this time.

Him

I was in love. Recently. Still am. But it can never be. Because no matter what would come about, the events of the past can never be overcome.

I loved a man. A man who lied to me repeatedly from day one. A man who, the first time we stopped talking called me an "ugly duckling" and told me he'd rather have fucked my roommate. A man who won back my affections but then proceeded to lie to me even further. A man who was living with the mother of his child when he was seeing me. Who on top of that got himself another girlfriend. Who brought that girlfriend to my house without telling me who she was, but letting us figure it out. Who broke my heart into a million pieces over and over again with escapade after escapade with one girl after the other. Who had me join his crazy world. Who would use everything I said or did against me. Who tried to fuck one of my best friends while I was in the room. Who got me pregnant and never believed me when I told him I was (I miscarried). Who still is somehow in my heart and mind in spite of all this.

I know I sound crazy for loving him. And honestly, I am to entrenched in this to know what he sounds like here. I wish I could shut off the parts of my mind and heart that can't let him go, that can't move on, because I feel like no matter what I do...he's there.

What am I doing????

This path that I'm on,
this place in which I find myself,
new and all too familiar at once.

Bullets to my heart,
I wish they would just finish the job,
it would be so much easier that way.

Remove this leaden weight from my chest,
maybe one day I'll breath again,
falling hard again and again and again.

I can't stop it. Even if I want to.
It's there lodged inside of me,
a part of my self and my being.

Que es mi corazon,
y mi vida,
la razon y el problema en uno.

Que me causa tanto dolor,
y tanta belleza y felicidad
en la misma semana,

en el mismo dia,
en la misma hora,
en el mismo momento.

my life

I'm still in school and working hard. I'm living my life too. Living it up in some ways. I'm happy and not at the same time. I'm happy because I'm getting some of the things I want and need. I'm not exactly sure how much to divulge because in all honesty, I don't know who's reading this...and I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea about me.

But like I said, I'm happy and I'm not at the same time. Same old conflicted feelings, but in different circumstances. I feel great things right now. I feel like there are opportunities in front of me. And I feel good in the fact that I am in control of things.

Ok...this is all sounding too vague and that I'm dancing around the issue. There's a guy. Not a boyfriend or anything like that...at least not for the time being. But there is a guy. A guy who makes me feel something. Something real and something good. And I feel satisfied in ways that I haven't for a while. But the truth of the matter too is that we're not in a relationship, and that saddens me to a certain extent. I mean, we're both free to do as we please with other people, but I have no desire to do so with other people. I'm stuck in a shady ambiguous middle ground and I'm not sure which way I want it to go sometimes. Cut it off or try to propel it into something else. I guess I'm just torn and conflicted, and damaged a bit from previous experiences.

I can't trust anyone anymore. At least not for the moment. Especially not men. I really like this guy, maybe even more than that, but I don't know what to do right now. I guess I'll just keep thinking it over and trying to figure everything out. I'm back, in a way, to being the stupidest smart girl alive.

What on Earth?

Wow. Just when my life is making sense and is back on track, a whole convergence of events occurs and doesn't necessarily derail me, but certainly affects me. That is to say, without getting into too many specifics of the who and what, that when one thing happens...a million things happen. I am, of course, the type of person who cares for others above herself. I always have been and probably always will be, but this is all just getting to be too much. I'm just getting back on my feet. I was going to really focus on myself, especially considering the miscarriage I had recently...this really is the first time in a long time it was going to be just about me. But then people call me...people text me...and suddenly I am the only one they trust, the only one they depend on...they're relying on me. And I honestly don't know if I can handle that kind of responsibility right now.

I'm doing everything I can within reason of course, but this is just getting ridiculous. Of course I only want the best for everybody, and no I don't want to see anybody lose out or at risk, or derailed from their goals. I want everybody I care about or have cared about in the past to get everything that they want and need out of life. But I can't be the sole provider of those things. Not by any means. I am not as strong as people need me to be sometimes. I break down. I have my own problems to deal with. I am still physically and emotionally recovering from a lot of trauma...especially the aforementioned miscarriage...and already I've made some mistakes that I'm not proud of.

Well, maybe that's taking it a little far. I knowingly and consciously decided everything that I've done recently. I could deny that and say it was just a lack in judgment or common sense, but really I did what I did with full knowledge of the possible ramifications (we're talking very recently...within the last few weeks kind of recently). And, if I did what I did knowingly, well, then that says something about me and who I am. That says something about what I need. That says something abouthow I choose to live my life and that says something about where I'm going.

If I can find balance in all this. If I can find a way to fulfill the needs that lead me to mistakes and a way to fulfill the needs that will lead me to academic and career success, then I won't have to worry. Then everything will be ok and nobody will ever have cause for concern for me. But right now, I am concerned...at least a little bit. I did something reckless, and I'm afraid that there may be consequences. But I guess for now, I'll have to just wait and see...and hope and pray that things will work themselves out as they should. After all, resiliency is one trait I've discovered in myself recently.

I truly am the Stupid Smart Girl right now. I have been told many a time that I have a brilliant academic mind..that the perspective and skill that I bring to my studies are both unique and impressive. But, when it comes to my life...to the choices I have made in that department, I have been quite reckless and stupid on many an occasion. I don't know if you can consider it reckless to enter into a situation with full knowledge of the setting, the players, and the game. Is it still reckless to go and play? After all, this isn't Russian Roulette...this is life. I'm not entirely convinced that there are RIGHT and WRONG choices, just choices and their subsequent effects. Every choice I have made in my life has led me to this moment right here. And I have to wonder if I would ever do anything differently given the chance. Even the pain I have been in has been there for a reason, to teach me something, to give me a new perspective or a new way of seeing the world. My choices have made me unique, and my choices, though they have caused me great pain and have at time alienated me from the people I love, have also brought me joy and laughter and love, and have provided me with things that I never knew I wanted or needed in life. I'm not trying to romanticize anything that happened to me, or anything I did in the past, but I refuse to see any of it as purely negative anymore. I choose to see the good and the bad in everything and everybody. To accept flaws and weaknesses along with strengths and great attributes. I loved him, and will probably always harbor some kind of feelings for him. That will never go away, and I cannot and will not vilify him completely. Though he played the part of the villain at times in my life...he also in so many ways saved me from myself in ways that nobody could possibly understand or comprehend. And so, they demonize him and make him the bad guy in the story...the wicked witch, the Joker to my Batman, the darkness to my light. But they don't and can't ever get it because they weren't there in the moments of bare emotional honesty, or the moments of heightened physical passion and desire, or even in the moments of great strife and anger. They didn't witness that. They didn't experience that. They heard partial truths only and they based his entire character on that, even when I told them the good they chose only to see the bad. But, he was the love of my life, or at least one of the great loves of my life. And I will never betray him completely.

So for now, I leave you with a question that plagues me as I think all of this through. Is it really repeating the mistakes of your past if your approach to the situation is completely different? Does informed action (even if not necessarily the right action), speak more about a person than impulsive action?

School

I'm doing better today...second day in class and enjoying it. I'm also feeling better about the guy...maybe it's because I have something to keep me busy...maybe it's because I know I have something of the upper-hand in the situation. I'm not really sure, but I'm trying to keep myself as focused as possible on my goals, and on progressing toward those goals. It is very important to me to not allow myself to get as far off-track as I did before.

Anyway, back to school. I'm taking an African-American history class and it is fascinating. There is so much I could say about it after only two days of class, but I'm going to refrain for now. I'm pretty content to be back in an intellectual environment. So far, so good still. Hopefully I keep it on track.

Back to School

I went to my first class back at the University today. After stopping going to classes in the middle of my fall semester last year, and never even attending my spring classes, it was a little bit scary to go back to class. But, it went well and I'm happy to be back in an academic, intellectual environment.

I've been doing both bad and good lately. On the one hand I have a beautiful new apartment that is finally starting to come together, I'm back at school, and my family and I are doing better. But for some stupid reason, I still miss him. Nobody in my life understands why I miss him. And I can't even discuss it with them because they worry that I'm going to go running back with him. I'm not, and I have absolutely no intention of doing so, but I do get sad a lot when I think about him...which is almost constantly.

Everything in this town reminds me of him. It's so hard to be back because everywhere I go and everything I do reminds me of something that happened with him or in some relation to the nine to ten months that I spent with him. This too, I can't discuss with my family or friends because they don't get it, and the stuff that I remember is too personal to discuss with them. Also, they were apprehensive about me coming back to town, and I fought them every step of the way, insisting that I was ready.

Truth be told, I wasn't. I just wanted and needed to feel closer to him, even if it was just the memories of him. Even if it is just knowing that he's somewhere relatively nearby (in the same town). I can't help it. I'm constantly drawn to him. I hope that this feeling, this need, this longing passes. At least now I have schoolwork to distract me from all of these feelings, to keep me busy and to keep from making a stupid mistake. A stupid mistake like maybe going to find him, or getting together with him in some way. Or a stupid mistake like finding another man to fill the void that he left in my life (both physical and emotional). I almost made that mistake recently, and actually did make it while we were still hanging out with ugly results that are best left to be discussed another time. I don't know what to do except immerse myself in schoolwork.

Fearless(ness)

I’ve been thinking a lot about fearlessness lately. What exactly does it mean to be fearless? Should fearlessness be something we strive for in life, or is fearlessness equivalent to recklessness? These questions have been rolling around in my head for days. I tried first to think of people I’ve known in my life who are fearless, and I had a hard time coming up with any. Then I realized, the problem was not the people in my life, but that I didn’t quite know how I was defining fearlessness.

So, here goes. Fearless, to me, means doing what you know is right in the face of opposition (especially strong opposition). Fearless means facing the challenges in life with a smile on your face no matter what. Fearless means fighting for and protecting and caring for those you love without regard for oneself in the process. Fearless is taking risks to achieve your goals. Fearless means not only knowing what is right, but acting upon that knowledge. These are my definition of fearless, and with this in mind, I can tell you that I know a myriad of fearless people in my life.

My grandfather, who when he was diagnosed with a form of cancer still considered incurable, always had a smile on his face, who took losing all of his hair in stride, and who seemed much more concerned with his family’s worries for him than himself. He is fearless. I would be proud to be more like him.

My mother who always tells me the truth even if she knows I’ll hate her for it, who fought me every step of the way as I went down an awful path for the last year, and even though she seemed to be losing the battle, she never gave up on me. She is fearless. Hopefully one day I’ll have more perspective like she does.

My uncle, the OBGYN who in spite of great opposition in his homes-state, stuck to his beliefs and his medical expertise on highly politicized issues. He was publicly attacked in the media and was picketed for months on end, but he did not give up fighting for what he believes in. I wish I had that kind of nerve and that strength. He is fearless.

My aunt, who risked everything when she took a leave of absence from her teaching job to pursue her passion, studying Lamaze childbirth coaching and natural childbirth. She was making nearly no money while studying, but was taking care of her two young children all day long, studying and working at the hospital. She took a great risk to pursue her passion. She is fearless. I wish I had that kind of drive.

And the list could go on and on. All of the important people in my life have shown such fearlessness and courage. They are amazing and I’m lucky to have them, even if their fearlessness drives me crazy sometimes because I often feel I cannot live up to the examples they set. Especially when, mistaking them for fearless, I started running around with a crowd that distracted me from everything that matters and nearly lost me those fearless people I described above. I mistook recklessness for fearlessness, and it nearly cost me everything. I hope one day that I can be called fearless. I know that bouncing back from hardships and bad decisions is definitely a step in the right direction. I just hope to one day make someone as proud of me as I am of the people in my life.

Home again, Home again

Back in my hometown after an extended stay away. I wasn't going to come back ever...but I decided to finish up my Masters Degree and then move away to do my PhD. It's weird and a little scary to be back. It's all familiar yet unfamiliar at the same time. I'm not sure how I'll do here. I know now that I'm stronger than I was before, but I still have those nagging doubts and worries that I'll slip up and go back to my old life, that I'll screw up again. But, I can't let that happen. I'm in constant battle with myself to fight against urges, emotional urges that make me feel tied to that life and a particular person who was a part of that life. If I do that my life will be over though, I will be unable to recover and I know that. I will permanently become everything I don't want to be and I will suffer for it.

So I'm here and I'm apprehensive about my future because I have to fight harder than I'veever fought before to keep my life on track. I guess we'll see where life takes me and where I allow myself to go.

Been a while.

It's been a few days since I posted. So, here I am writing. Not sure what to say. Been spending some time with the extended family. I'm trying to reconnect after a prolonged estrangement, and although at times akward, it's going surprisingly well. I'm happy to be here and happy to see all of them. I hadn't even met my baby cousin John Carl yet, and he was born in the fall (or winter depending on where you divide the seasons). It's been great meeting the adorable little guy and spending time with my grandparents, uncles and aunts, little cousins, and my mom. It reminds me of who I used to be before the whole mess began and what I want in moving forward from here.

Though I am a completely changed woman in so many ways, family and the bonds and love therein are still incredibly important to me. I was lost without them much in the same way I felt lost without literature and academia. I cannot stand to disappoint them again and betray their trust again. Thus my resolve has been further fortified by these few days spent with them and the perspective this stay has given me. I love them all with all my heart, and nothing is going to make me put these relationships at risk again.

My truth

It's funny. When I have a pen in my hand or I'm at the keyboard, I feel like I'm complete, like somehow if I just keep writing, even if what flows out isn't any good, my world will make sense. Like the pen (or keyboard) are an extension of myself...my only way to leave my mark on the world, my contribution.

Even if no one ever reads my blog (or any of my other written musings), at least I put it out there, at least I'm trying. My mind is always so filled with thoughts and ideas that I could never manage to get them all out even if I tried. But, that being said, it certainly doesn't hurt to try. Maybe dedicating my life to the written word is silly and frivolous, but I guess what I have to say to that is, what isn't frivolous in this world?

I was convinced for several months that everything I ever loved and dedicated my life to was worthless and pointless. Basically I was told that if it didn't teach me how to make a large amount of money extremely fast, it wasn't worthwhile. I, in turn, was worthless as well because I was not equipped with the "street" skills he had nor did I think in the manner that he did.

He had a mind filled with half-cocked schemes and dreams of money, money and more money. I had a literary mind filled with wild stories and fantastic characters. I dreamt of fighting windmills with Don Quijote, dating vampires with Sookie Stackhouse and Bella Swan, and toying with people's lives with Celestina. Beautiful words and witty turns of phrase brought light to my eyes. I smiled and cried along with my favorite characters and authors.

But because these things that so enlivened me were deemed worthless by the man I loved, I abandoned them completely. And from that moment on, darkness enveloped my life and my heart suffered. Literature had been my soul, and without it I was a zombie going through the motions of life. All this I did in the name of two things a man I loved and money. The money never came...well, in actuality it did, but the man who had stolen both my heart and soul also stole my money and any money that came in from our endeavors that strictly adhered to his rules of life (i.e. money at all costs, nothing was off-limits and nothing was too extreme if it made you cash fast).

So moneyless and soulless, I persistently continued down my path of destitution in the name of love of bad man who didn't deserve my love, and even less my money and my soul. But eventually that situation self-combusted as it had always been destined to do. And from the ashes, I rose again like the phoenix, and one of the first things I did was pick up a book and start reading again (Drown by Junot Diaz if you were interested), and then I picked up a pen and started jotting down notes. The keyboard became like a new best friend to me, someone to share my thoughts and stories with. And slowly my soul came back. Now, I no longer feel like a zombie. I am whole again, I am human again.

Furthermore, I have a thought of my own about my passion, well, one of my passions. Literature and writing are not frivolous at all. In fact, the written word is, in my humble opinion, the pinnacle of achievement for the human race. Imagine humanity if no one had started to record their histories on cave walls and tablets. Imagine where we'd be without Homer and Shakespeare, Dostoyevsky and Cervantes, Richard Wright and Virginia Woolf. If no one had ever written, we'd have no film, no music, no literature, no history...humanity would cease to exist as we know it.

Literature is in no way, shape, or form worthless. You can learn so much from literature...history, culture, perception, perspective, philosophy, and the list goes on and on. e can learn life lessons via the turmoils characters go through. We can experience great adventures and great sorrows vicariously through the written word. There's nothing in the world like it.

So, as a woman who's soul has been stripped away from her and who has fought to restore it (who is still fighting for it), I say this. Never let anyone convince you that what you love is worthless, because it is the equivalent of allowing them to deem you worthless! And nobody in this world can afford to feel that way. And even more nobody has the right to make you feel that way.

Nobody is worthless if they have a passion in this life and they dedicate themselves to it. My passions happen to include the study of and indulgence in literature, film, and music. Whatever yours may be...engineering, philosophy, art, medicine, education, culinary arts, welding, sales, anything...always stick to what you love. That is the only way to be successful. That is the only way to truly be yourself. Who cares if you make tons of money if you're miserable doing it. Love and passion are the most important things in life. Love who you are, love what you do. And never let anyone make you feel the way he made me feel.

So my truth is this. I love literature, I love film, and I love music. I love academia and teaching. This is what I want to do with my life...write, teach and live literature, film, and music. So that's exactly what I intend to do. There's no way someone is ever going to convince me to abandon my passions or my soul again.

Not me

To you I'm too complicated,


too confusing,


too much work,


not worth the effort.




But that's not me,

let me tell you about me.

Just because I think for myself,

doesn't make me a bitch

Just because I have needs,

doesn't make me a ho

Just because I loved you,

doesn't mean my life is over

Just because I got pregnant,

doesn't mean I have to give up on my dreams

Just because I lost my baby,

doesn't mean I will fall apart

Just because, Just because, Just because.

I am me, I am strong, I will go on,

I will keep fighting

If you don't see me, if you think I'm too complicated, if you don't think I'm worth the effort,

then keep on walking

because you just don't get it

Just because you think you got it all figured out,

doesn't mean you're not a fool

Just because you can't control me,

doesn't mean I'm too much drama

Just because you made me leave,

doesn't mean I won't come back with a vengeance

Just because, Just because, Just because.

I am me, I see me, I love me.

Whatever you throw at me now,

I can take it.

So don't test me sugar

because I'm a new woman

And I won't be conquered again.