El Dominicano

I met a Dominican guy last night...his name escapes me right now...I think it started with a B...but anyway, I met a Dominican guy. He was very attractive. He was attentive. He treated me well...almost like a queen. But I still rejected him. Now, ask me why? The answer is easy and stupid at the same time. Because I'm in love with someone else. Someone else who probably was doing the same type of thing with some other girl last night, except he probably went through with it whereas I did not.

But meeting this guy, and being treated that way made me realize that I've hit my limit finally. It's now or never with the guy I'm in love with because there are other men out there who not only want me, but treat me with respect. The whole time I was around this guy, I kept wishing he was the guy I love...that the man I love would say those things to me and look at me the way that this guy was, who danced with me like that, who pursued me...not the other way around. But then of course reality sets in and I realize El Dominicano is not my guy...and sleeping with him would make me into a person that I do NOT want to be. I'm not going to sleep with someone to get revenge for the many times the guy I love has slept with other girls. I'm not that woman.

I am a woman who adores someone, and would do anything for him. I can't betray that...no matter how justified I might be in it.

My Mind

I am bored. I wish school hel my attention the way it once did. Don't get me wrong, I like writing assignments and the like, but I can't stand actually sitting through class. I just want to get my degree and move on. I greatly prefer distance education courses where you are pretty much self-sufficient working alone and turning in assignments online. I like that, I can handle that. But for finanical aid, etc...I have to actually be in class. Ironic that I hate sitting in class but I want to one day be a professor. However, teaching in my desire to be a professor is secondary at the moment. I want to write and get published. I want to share my knowledge and ideas with people who are interested in the same things that interest me. The only reason I really attend my class right now is because I must...to keep my GPA at an acceptable level. And it's making me crazy!! Just give me the assignments, let me do them, and that's the end of it. I want to get my MA and PhD and be done with it already!

Love Kills Slowly

My favorite phrase from Ed Hardy..."love kills slowly." It's true on a lot of levels, because I feel a lot of the time like I've lost myself because I fell in love with someone. In essence falling in love killed the independent me. The me who didn't need anybody to make her feel complete. The me who though maybe a bit selfish, had a clear path and clear goals. The me who didn't let another person dictate who she is or how she feels. The me who didn't have to try so hard and could just be. The me who didn't always feel like she could never be good enough.

I love someone who I'm not even sure is capable of love. And I'm on the verge of losing it completely. The different "me's" are constantly at war right now, battling it out to determine who I'm going to be. And I have to say, he's pushing me to the point that it will probably be the me without a man that wins out. I don't really know how much I can take before I have to scream out "ENOUGH!" and walk away...cut my losses and move on. I love him but I know that what is going on right now isn't good for me. Loving him changes me. And sometimes in ways that I really don't like.

A Coversation

6-22-2010

I had an interesting conversation today. With a Black man. I wouldn't emphasize the man's race if the conversation itself did not revolve around race. We were talking and the subject of racism came up. He started talking about people who have openly told him they are racism, and how stupid, basically, those people are. The conversation progressed to discussing even stupider people who always preface their racist views and comments with, "I'm not racist," or "I'm not trying to be racist but..." Obviously you are indeed racist if you feel that when Black people moved into your neighborhood it ceased to be a "nice neighborhood," or if you think that all Black men are thugs who speak in ebonics, are inarticulate, and are bad scary people. I have heard all of these statements and many more professed by people who claim to not be racist. My friend and I were both laughing at, and frustrated by such people and their ignorant views.

The conversation again shifted when my friend asked me about the class I had to go to today...the same class that I am currently sitting in, sort of listening but mostly writing this. The class is African American History (up to 1877). We started, for some reason, talking about my paper topic for the day, Thomas Jefferson. The question I was asked to answer in my paper was, given evidence that Jefferson had a relationship with his slave and in fact, owned slaves at all, was Jefferson the great American hero we always hear about, or was ha villain and a hypocrite given his rhetoric and ideals about the inalienable rights of all men? Without even being told about Jefferson's affair with Sally Hemings, my friend automatically assumed as much...that Jefferson quote, "loved some Black pussy," and he went on jokingly to say that that must be where the "once you go Black, you never go back" saying and "Jungle Fever" came from.

While he was clearly joking around, his immediate understanding that Jefferson had a love affair with his slave was impressively astute. Of course, the subject of slavery being opened up, this is the direction we headed in...my friend claimed he knew about Jefferson from the "slave book" that's been passed down (again jokingly), and then reiterated an idea he's discussed on many previous occassions.

His idea is simply this. One day he's going to be rich and powerful, and one day he's going to be the biggest cotton producer in the world and that he would "hire white slaves" to work the fields, in his own form of racial justice for the injustices done to Black people throughout history. Now, while his idea may be far-fetched (as far as actual execution goes), he raised an interesting point. How could the injustices throughout history and presently be rectified? Is there even a way? We talked a bit further, contemplating what may have happened if Africans had had guns prior to European invasion. If they had maybe been able to ward off the invaders and had never been enslaved as they were, what would the world look like?

This country, as we discussed, is the world superpower. Especially when we look at the corporations. Many of these corporations, some of the wealthiest in the world, as well as this nation as a whole, were built on the backs of slaves. Without slavery, this country might never have come to be at all, or if it had, very likely would not be the world superpower that it is today. How different the world would be indeed. So radically different that I personally feel incapable of fathoming it. My friend and I likely would never have met or had the conversation we just did if this were the case. Would he (or I, for that matter) even have been born? Big ideas and questions for a brief, casual conversation. This friend of mine is an amazing man who always shows me another way of seeing things, he pushed me to be better, intellectually and in life. I love this friend, more than he could ever know. My life will never be the same now that I've known him. And no matter what happens with him and me in the future, I will always be indebted to him for changing my life.

Trust

How do you learn to trust somebody who lied to you so many times before? Can you trust them? How is trust re-earned? Even though I am good at detecting lies, I hate having to do it. I want people to be honest with me. I also don't want to keep having to be dishonest to people in an attempt to protect them. That always seems to backfire too. But anyway, I was just putting these thoughts out there. If anyone's reading and has an opinion on this...I'm all ears.

In the eyes

I had trouble looking people in the eyes today. I know most people don't know. But I feel that if we make eye contact, they will. Like they'll be able to see into my head...even though I've covered all other signs well. What is that? Will it pass?

Bruises

I'm pretty bruised right now. But the deepest bruises are the ones nobody can see...the emotional wounds, scars forming in my heart and mind. The others...they'll heal. They already are. And while they currently serve as a reminder of a night that I will remember forever...they will be gone soon, and that night of infamy will slowly fade from my consciousness and willnot constantly be at the forefront of my thoughts.

A testimony to my current insanity is written on my arms, chest, and head right now. A visual map of mistakes I've made. Of choices I've made. The stupid smart girl seems to be getting incrementally stupider by the day, and the story that I set out to tell (thinking it was over and done with) is still unfolding before me.

I am the type of person who truly believes that everything happens for a reason...even if we can't see those reasons at the time. Hopefully, I will one day be able to see the reasons for the direction my life is headed. I can only hope that the path I'm on leads somewhere good. There has to be a light at the end of the tunnel...right? Anyway, that's all for now. I'm going to cover up the bruises...internal and external as best as I can and head to class.

The Non-Existent Kiss And the Jealous Non-Boyfriend

So I found myself at the center of more drama last night. In fact, I've been involved in some serious drama a few times this week. Thursday night ended in a fight...not a verbal fight, a physical one. And last night...well, I went to meet up with the guy that I'm talking to. Let's make this clear. We've been talking on and off for a WHILE now. And we know eachother pretty well. But, we are NOT DATING. This is a fact that he repeats to me over and over and over whenever I get upset that he talks to other girls too (and by talks that also means sleeps with). He always tells me. "It's none of your business," and "we're not dating," and "you're not my girlfriend."

But, last night, like I said I went to meet up with him. He had been out at the bars with his friend (a guy). I had not been out at the bars, I had been chilling out catching up with an old friend. So, I went and waited for him by his car. They came up and he was talking to someone on the phone...obviously a girl. He got in the car and just sat there. His friend on the other hand, came over to my car and wanted me to get out and talk to him. This guy has always flirted with me, but nothing ever came of it because there's no way I would be interested. He was flirting, etc...and all of a sudden "my guy" dumped his friend's stuff out of his car and took off...squealing tires, the works.

When I finally got ahold of him to find out what was up. He answered the phone, "What, bitch?" I was confused because he sounded mad. I asked "What was that about?" He proceeded to tell me that I was the most dsgusting ho he knows because I kissed his friend on the lips...which of course I didn't do and would never do. But he couldn't be convinced. He was jealous. And his reaction was to tell me that he was going to go sleep with somebody else. I'm not sure if he did that or not. But really, he sees other women...hits on girls at clubs when I'm standing right next to him...and sleeps with other women whenever he feels like it. But, I get flirted with and he thinks he sees a kiss, and he flips out on me? What is that?

Honestly, I don't get it. Of course today he backtracks and says he doesn't care if I did anything or not. He says he doesn't care about me at all. That I'm crazy to ascertain from his melodramatic reaction to what he claims he saw that he has feelings for me. He's trying to regain the upper hand, to make me feel insecure. But after last night and the crap that went down on Thursday...what he doesn't get is that either he goes from being my "non-boyfriend" to an actual boyfriend, or I am forcibly removing him from my life. Permanently this time.

Him

I was in love. Recently. Still am. But it can never be. Because no matter what would come about, the events of the past can never be overcome.

I loved a man. A man who lied to me repeatedly from day one. A man who, the first time we stopped talking called me an "ugly duckling" and told me he'd rather have fucked my roommate. A man who won back my affections but then proceeded to lie to me even further. A man who was living with the mother of his child when he was seeing me. Who on top of that got himself another girlfriend. Who brought that girlfriend to my house without telling me who she was, but letting us figure it out. Who broke my heart into a million pieces over and over again with escapade after escapade with one girl after the other. Who had me join his crazy world. Who would use everything I said or did against me. Who tried to fuck one of my best friends while I was in the room. Who got me pregnant and never believed me when I told him I was (I miscarried). Who still is somehow in my heart and mind in spite of all this.

I know I sound crazy for loving him. And honestly, I am to entrenched in this to know what he sounds like here. I wish I could shut off the parts of my mind and heart that can't let him go, that can't move on, because I feel like no matter what I do...he's there.

What am I doing????

This path that I'm on,
this place in which I find myself,
new and all too familiar at once.

Bullets to my heart,
I wish they would just finish the job,
it would be so much easier that way.

Remove this leaden weight from my chest,
maybe one day I'll breath again,
falling hard again and again and again.

I can't stop it. Even if I want to.
It's there lodged inside of me,
a part of my self and my being.

Que es mi corazon,
y mi vida,
la razon y el problema en uno.

Que me causa tanto dolor,
y tanta belleza y felicidad
en la misma semana,

en el mismo dia,
en la misma hora,
en el mismo momento.

my life

I'm still in school and working hard. I'm living my life too. Living it up in some ways. I'm happy and not at the same time. I'm happy because I'm getting some of the things I want and need. I'm not exactly sure how much to divulge because in all honesty, I don't know who's reading this...and I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea about me.

But like I said, I'm happy and I'm not at the same time. Same old conflicted feelings, but in different circumstances. I feel great things right now. I feel like there are opportunities in front of me. And I feel good in the fact that I am in control of things.

Ok...this is all sounding too vague and that I'm dancing around the issue. There's a guy. Not a boyfriend or anything like that...at least not for the time being. But there is a guy. A guy who makes me feel something. Something real and something good. And I feel satisfied in ways that I haven't for a while. But the truth of the matter too is that we're not in a relationship, and that saddens me to a certain extent. I mean, we're both free to do as we please with other people, but I have no desire to do so with other people. I'm stuck in a shady ambiguous middle ground and I'm not sure which way I want it to go sometimes. Cut it off or try to propel it into something else. I guess I'm just torn and conflicted, and damaged a bit from previous experiences.

I can't trust anyone anymore. At least not for the moment. Especially not men. I really like this guy, maybe even more than that, but I don't know what to do right now. I guess I'll just keep thinking it over and trying to figure everything out. I'm back, in a way, to being the stupidest smart girl alive.

What on Earth?

Wow. Just when my life is making sense and is back on track, a whole convergence of events occurs and doesn't necessarily derail me, but certainly affects me. That is to say, without getting into too many specifics of the who and what, that when one thing happens...a million things happen. I am, of course, the type of person who cares for others above herself. I always have been and probably always will be, but this is all just getting to be too much. I'm just getting back on my feet. I was going to really focus on myself, especially considering the miscarriage I had recently...this really is the first time in a long time it was going to be just about me. But then people call me...people text me...and suddenly I am the only one they trust, the only one they depend on...they're relying on me. And I honestly don't know if I can handle that kind of responsibility right now.

I'm doing everything I can within reason of course, but this is just getting ridiculous. Of course I only want the best for everybody, and no I don't want to see anybody lose out or at risk, or derailed from their goals. I want everybody I care about or have cared about in the past to get everything that they want and need out of life. But I can't be the sole provider of those things. Not by any means. I am not as strong as people need me to be sometimes. I break down. I have my own problems to deal with. I am still physically and emotionally recovering from a lot of trauma...especially the aforementioned miscarriage...and already I've made some mistakes that I'm not proud of.

Well, maybe that's taking it a little far. I knowingly and consciously decided everything that I've done recently. I could deny that and say it was just a lack in judgment or common sense, but really I did what I did with full knowledge of the possible ramifications (we're talking very recently...within the last few weeks kind of recently). And, if I did what I did knowingly, well, then that says something about me and who I am. That says something about what I need. That says something abouthow I choose to live my life and that says something about where I'm going.

If I can find balance in all this. If I can find a way to fulfill the needs that lead me to mistakes and a way to fulfill the needs that will lead me to academic and career success, then I won't have to worry. Then everything will be ok and nobody will ever have cause for concern for me. But right now, I am concerned...at least a little bit. I did something reckless, and I'm afraid that there may be consequences. But I guess for now, I'll have to just wait and see...and hope and pray that things will work themselves out as they should. After all, resiliency is one trait I've discovered in myself recently.

I truly am the Stupid Smart Girl right now. I have been told many a time that I have a brilliant academic mind..that the perspective and skill that I bring to my studies are both unique and impressive. But, when it comes to my life...to the choices I have made in that department, I have been quite reckless and stupid on many an occasion. I don't know if you can consider it reckless to enter into a situation with full knowledge of the setting, the players, and the game. Is it still reckless to go and play? After all, this isn't Russian Roulette...this is life. I'm not entirely convinced that there are RIGHT and WRONG choices, just choices and their subsequent effects. Every choice I have made in my life has led me to this moment right here. And I have to wonder if I would ever do anything differently given the chance. Even the pain I have been in has been there for a reason, to teach me something, to give me a new perspective or a new way of seeing the world. My choices have made me unique, and my choices, though they have caused me great pain and have at time alienated me from the people I love, have also brought me joy and laughter and love, and have provided me with things that I never knew I wanted or needed in life. I'm not trying to romanticize anything that happened to me, or anything I did in the past, but I refuse to see any of it as purely negative anymore. I choose to see the good and the bad in everything and everybody. To accept flaws and weaknesses along with strengths and great attributes. I loved him, and will probably always harbor some kind of feelings for him. That will never go away, and I cannot and will not vilify him completely. Though he played the part of the villain at times in my life...he also in so many ways saved me from myself in ways that nobody could possibly understand or comprehend. And so, they demonize him and make him the bad guy in the story...the wicked witch, the Joker to my Batman, the darkness to my light. But they don't and can't ever get it because they weren't there in the moments of bare emotional honesty, or the moments of heightened physical passion and desire, or even in the moments of great strife and anger. They didn't witness that. They didn't experience that. They heard partial truths only and they based his entire character on that, even when I told them the good they chose only to see the bad. But, he was the love of my life, or at least one of the great loves of my life. And I will never betray him completely.

So for now, I leave you with a question that plagues me as I think all of this through. Is it really repeating the mistakes of your past if your approach to the situation is completely different? Does informed action (even if not necessarily the right action), speak more about a person than impulsive action?

School

I'm doing better today...second day in class and enjoying it. I'm also feeling better about the guy...maybe it's because I have something to keep me busy...maybe it's because I know I have something of the upper-hand in the situation. I'm not really sure, but I'm trying to keep myself as focused as possible on my goals, and on progressing toward those goals. It is very important to me to not allow myself to get as far off-track as I did before.

Anyway, back to school. I'm taking an African-American history class and it is fascinating. There is so much I could say about it after only two days of class, but I'm going to refrain for now. I'm pretty content to be back in an intellectual environment. So far, so good still. Hopefully I keep it on track.

Back to School

I went to my first class back at the University today. After stopping going to classes in the middle of my fall semester last year, and never even attending my spring classes, it was a little bit scary to go back to class. But, it went well and I'm happy to be back in an academic, intellectual environment.

I've been doing both bad and good lately. On the one hand I have a beautiful new apartment that is finally starting to come together, I'm back at school, and my family and I are doing better. But for some stupid reason, I still miss him. Nobody in my life understands why I miss him. And I can't even discuss it with them because they worry that I'm going to go running back with him. I'm not, and I have absolutely no intention of doing so, but I do get sad a lot when I think about him...which is almost constantly.

Everything in this town reminds me of him. It's so hard to be back because everywhere I go and everything I do reminds me of something that happened with him or in some relation to the nine to ten months that I spent with him. This too, I can't discuss with my family or friends because they don't get it, and the stuff that I remember is too personal to discuss with them. Also, they were apprehensive about me coming back to town, and I fought them every step of the way, insisting that I was ready.

Truth be told, I wasn't. I just wanted and needed to feel closer to him, even if it was just the memories of him. Even if it is just knowing that he's somewhere relatively nearby (in the same town). I can't help it. I'm constantly drawn to him. I hope that this feeling, this need, this longing passes. At least now I have schoolwork to distract me from all of these feelings, to keep me busy and to keep from making a stupid mistake. A stupid mistake like maybe going to find him, or getting together with him in some way. Or a stupid mistake like finding another man to fill the void that he left in my life (both physical and emotional). I almost made that mistake recently, and actually did make it while we were still hanging out with ugly results that are best left to be discussed another time. I don't know what to do except immerse myself in schoolwork.

Fearless(ness)

I’ve been thinking a lot about fearlessness lately. What exactly does it mean to be fearless? Should fearlessness be something we strive for in life, or is fearlessness equivalent to recklessness? These questions have been rolling around in my head for days. I tried first to think of people I’ve known in my life who are fearless, and I had a hard time coming up with any. Then I realized, the problem was not the people in my life, but that I didn’t quite know how I was defining fearlessness.

So, here goes. Fearless, to me, means doing what you know is right in the face of opposition (especially strong opposition). Fearless means facing the challenges in life with a smile on your face no matter what. Fearless means fighting for and protecting and caring for those you love without regard for oneself in the process. Fearless is taking risks to achieve your goals. Fearless means not only knowing what is right, but acting upon that knowledge. These are my definition of fearless, and with this in mind, I can tell you that I know a myriad of fearless people in my life.

My grandfather, who when he was diagnosed with a form of cancer still considered incurable, always had a smile on his face, who took losing all of his hair in stride, and who seemed much more concerned with his family’s worries for him than himself. He is fearless. I would be proud to be more like him.

My mother who always tells me the truth even if she knows I’ll hate her for it, who fought me every step of the way as I went down an awful path for the last year, and even though she seemed to be losing the battle, she never gave up on me. She is fearless. Hopefully one day I’ll have more perspective like she does.

My uncle, the OBGYN who in spite of great opposition in his homes-state, stuck to his beliefs and his medical expertise on highly politicized issues. He was publicly attacked in the media and was picketed for months on end, but he did not give up fighting for what he believes in. I wish I had that kind of nerve and that strength. He is fearless.

My aunt, who risked everything when she took a leave of absence from her teaching job to pursue her passion, studying Lamaze childbirth coaching and natural childbirth. She was making nearly no money while studying, but was taking care of her two young children all day long, studying and working at the hospital. She took a great risk to pursue her passion. She is fearless. I wish I had that kind of drive.

And the list could go on and on. All of the important people in my life have shown such fearlessness and courage. They are amazing and I’m lucky to have them, even if their fearlessness drives me crazy sometimes because I often feel I cannot live up to the examples they set. Especially when, mistaking them for fearless, I started running around with a crowd that distracted me from everything that matters and nearly lost me those fearless people I described above. I mistook recklessness for fearlessness, and it nearly cost me everything. I hope one day that I can be called fearless. I know that bouncing back from hardships and bad decisions is definitely a step in the right direction. I just hope to one day make someone as proud of me as I am of the people in my life.