Back to School

I went to my first class back at the University today. After stopping going to classes in the middle of my fall semester last year, and never even attending my spring classes, it was a little bit scary to go back to class. But, it went well and I'm happy to be back in an academic, intellectual environment.

I've been doing both bad and good lately. On the one hand I have a beautiful new apartment that is finally starting to come together, I'm back at school, and my family and I are doing better. But for some stupid reason, I still miss him. Nobody in my life understands why I miss him. And I can't even discuss it with them because they worry that I'm going to go running back with him. I'm not, and I have absolutely no intention of doing so, but I do get sad a lot when I think about him...which is almost constantly.

Everything in this town reminds me of him. It's so hard to be back because everywhere I go and everything I do reminds me of something that happened with him or in some relation to the nine to ten months that I spent with him. This too, I can't discuss with my family or friends because they don't get it, and the stuff that I remember is too personal to discuss with them. Also, they were apprehensive about me coming back to town, and I fought them every step of the way, insisting that I was ready.

Truth be told, I wasn't. I just wanted and needed to feel closer to him, even if it was just the memories of him. Even if it is just knowing that he's somewhere relatively nearby (in the same town). I can't help it. I'm constantly drawn to him. I hope that this feeling, this need, this longing passes. At least now I have schoolwork to distract me from all of these feelings, to keep me busy and to keep from making a stupid mistake. A stupid mistake like maybe going to find him, or getting together with him in some way. Or a stupid mistake like finding another man to fill the void that he left in my life (both physical and emotional). I almost made that mistake recently, and actually did make it while we were still hanging out with ugly results that are best left to be discussed another time. I don't know what to do except immerse myself in schoolwork.