What on Earth?

Wow. Just when my life is making sense and is back on track, a whole convergence of events occurs and doesn't necessarily derail me, but certainly affects me. That is to say, without getting into too many specifics of the who and what, that when one thing happens...a million things happen. I am, of course, the type of person who cares for others above herself. I always have been and probably always will be, but this is all just getting to be too much. I'm just getting back on my feet. I was going to really focus on myself, especially considering the miscarriage I had recently...this really is the first time in a long time it was going to be just about me. But then people call me...people text me...and suddenly I am the only one they trust, the only one they depend on...they're relying on me. And I honestly don't know if I can handle that kind of responsibility right now.

I'm doing everything I can within reason of course, but this is just getting ridiculous. Of course I only want the best for everybody, and no I don't want to see anybody lose out or at risk, or derailed from their goals. I want everybody I care about or have cared about in the past to get everything that they want and need out of life. But I can't be the sole provider of those things. Not by any means. I am not as strong as people need me to be sometimes. I break down. I have my own problems to deal with. I am still physically and emotionally recovering from a lot of trauma...especially the aforementioned miscarriage...and already I've made some mistakes that I'm not proud of.

Well, maybe that's taking it a little far. I knowingly and consciously decided everything that I've done recently. I could deny that and say it was just a lack in judgment or common sense, but really I did what I did with full knowledge of the possible ramifications (we're talking very recently...within the last few weeks kind of recently). And, if I did what I did knowingly, well, then that says something about me and who I am. That says something about what I need. That says something abouthow I choose to live my life and that says something about where I'm going.

If I can find balance in all this. If I can find a way to fulfill the needs that lead me to mistakes and a way to fulfill the needs that will lead me to academic and career success, then I won't have to worry. Then everything will be ok and nobody will ever have cause for concern for me. But right now, I am concerned...at least a little bit. I did something reckless, and I'm afraid that there may be consequences. But I guess for now, I'll have to just wait and see...and hope and pray that things will work themselves out as they should. After all, resiliency is one trait I've discovered in myself recently.

I truly am the Stupid Smart Girl right now. I have been told many a time that I have a brilliant academic mind..that the perspective and skill that I bring to my studies are both unique and impressive. But, when it comes to my life...to the choices I have made in that department, I have been quite reckless and stupid on many an occasion. I don't know if you can consider it reckless to enter into a situation with full knowledge of the setting, the players, and the game. Is it still reckless to go and play? After all, this isn't Russian Roulette...this is life. I'm not entirely convinced that there are RIGHT and WRONG choices, just choices and their subsequent effects. Every choice I have made in my life has led me to this moment right here. And I have to wonder if I would ever do anything differently given the chance. Even the pain I have been in has been there for a reason, to teach me something, to give me a new perspective or a new way of seeing the world. My choices have made me unique, and my choices, though they have caused me great pain and have at time alienated me from the people I love, have also brought me joy and laughter and love, and have provided me with things that I never knew I wanted or needed in life. I'm not trying to romanticize anything that happened to me, or anything I did in the past, but I refuse to see any of it as purely negative anymore. I choose to see the good and the bad in everything and everybody. To accept flaws and weaknesses along with strengths and great attributes. I loved him, and will probably always harbor some kind of feelings for him. That will never go away, and I cannot and will not vilify him completely. Though he played the part of the villain at times in my life...he also in so many ways saved me from myself in ways that nobody could possibly understand or comprehend. And so, they demonize him and make him the bad guy in the story...the wicked witch, the Joker to my Batman, the darkness to my light. But they don't and can't ever get it because they weren't there in the moments of bare emotional honesty, or the moments of heightened physical passion and desire, or even in the moments of great strife and anger. They didn't witness that. They didn't experience that. They heard partial truths only and they based his entire character on that, even when I told them the good they chose only to see the bad. But, he was the love of my life, or at least one of the great loves of my life. And I will never betray him completely.

So for now, I leave you with a question that plagues me as I think all of this through. Is it really repeating the mistakes of your past if your approach to the situation is completely different? Does informed action (even if not necessarily the right action), speak more about a person than impulsive action?