Well, well, well

Roommate-less and happy about it. I felt kind of bad doing it. Anyone who knows the situation, understands why I did it. But at the same time...he looked so sad and hurt. I don't know. I feel guilty, but at the same time it was what's best for me. I guess it's complicated and my feelings about the whole situation are complicated too. I don't know. I guess I always just feel too guilty for doing something that may hurt somebody.

How on Earth did I get back here?

There's only one thing to say right now....round four...didn't think I could get much stupider. But apparently it's possible. At least I'll never run out of material.

already on my last nerve...

Only been around each other twice...and already I'm pissed off...I think this is a sign.

Too Funny

Ok...so I was walking out of my apartment building and this guy says hi to me. So, I'm polite and return the greeting as I walk to my car. I figure that's all there is to it, but he tries to continue the conversation. "How's it going?" Or something to that effect. I stop, and he decides to ask me if I want his number, or if he can have mine. I give him mine, and figure that's that. I really had no intention of taking his call.

He calls twice in a matter of about two minutes. I don't answer either one, mainly because I'm trying to get my key back from the tall tard who is crashing on my couch, but he's too busy talking on the phone about going out tonight (with no job...I'm not sure where the fool is getting the money to do this, but whatever). So I get in the car and figure I'll text the guy back, but as I'm texting he calls. So, I figure, why not? And I answer.

In the course of the conversation he tells me, "My name's Fred. But my friends call me Flinstone." If that isn't funny enough, he goes on to say, "Just so you don't get lost in the sauce." Really...I don't even know what to say anymore. If they're not evil, self-centered a**holes, then they are so stupid that they actually allow themselves to be a walking punchline. What do I do anymore? Are there any real men left?

What to say? What to do?

A question for all you people out there...if anyone's reading this at all...have you ever done something that you knew you shouldn't...but it felt so good that you did it anyway? Maybe it made you feel powerful...or just stronger...or maybe just a little bit naughty...whatever the feeling may be, it just felt good?

I seem to have way too many of those moments in my life. Things that feel good at the time, but then later on down the road, they end up leading to trouble. A lot of times too, I know ahead of time that trouble will inevitably follow, but I don't care. Maybe I'm too impulsive, but at the same time, life is a series of moments and if you're happy in the moment, living for that moment, can you really ask for anything more?

Sure, considering the consequences is important, and it is definitely the more mature thing to do, especially for someone who is as smart as I am and can easily anticipate the outcome of nearly everything. But, if I were to get hit by a bus and die tomorrow, would I want to have denied myself something I truly wanted or needed just because I was afraid of what might happen later? It's a tough question to answer because there is good logic for either side of the argument, and I am one who has a hard time choosing sides on this.

I can say that if I knew what the results of my actions would be, I would have done things differently, or at least I can say that I should have done things differently. But, in truth, I don't think I would take anything back. I got too much joy and pleasure out of a lot of what I did to go back and take that out of my life, no matter how much bad stuff followed. Maybe that isn't the right thing to say, but it is the truth. I may not be happy with everything that happened to me, but at the same time, I am glad in a way that it all happened.

What would I rather have-a calm, mature boring life with very few worthwhile memorable moments? Or a life that is dramatic at times, and maybe full of immature moments but that is entirely memorable and wild? I think I'll side with the drama and the wildness anyday. I want to be able to look back on my life one day and say that I really lived. That I did things, that I saw things, that I knew interesting people and I did interesting things (and maybe people too-- ;-) ). At the end of my life I don't want to regret passing up the opportunity to live because I was scared or tired or hurt.

Holding Back

I'm trying to figure out my future...or at least my plans for my future. I'm really not sure what to do anymore. On the one hand, I LOVE being in school, and I love the idea of being a professor, but at the same time, I'm not sure how economically feasible it is right now to continue on in the realm of higher education. I'm already saddled down with more than my fair share of student loans and I don't know what my degree in Spanish is really going to do to help remedy that. I'm torn about what to do. It'd be great to be a professor, like I said. But is that much more school really a good idea right now? Is it even feasible that I'd get into a doctorate program and get the funding that I would need since the economy has definitely affected the economy. I could study to get a Post-Bacc Teaching Certificate, but would that be economically feasible either? More costly school to get trained for a job that is rewarding yes, but well-paying, no?

Do I leave school and get a job? Knowing that I'd have to start paying back my loans all that much sooner? I'm conflicted and it's really taxing to me right now...constantly exhausted, frustrated, distracted. I just really need to figure things out asap so that I don't feel so hopeless and frustrated.

A few days

It's been a few days since I updated. I'm still trying to figure out my life. Moved on in a few ways from my past and that's cool. However, the focus of my life cannot be all social and man-related. I need a plan and goals for myself in other ways...beyond the immediate. You know what I mean, right? I've been doing schoolwork, and obviously I have my job which is not too shabby. So, for now my mind is reeling with all kinds of thoughts and ideas. Hopefully I can get a full grip on things soon and start heading down the right path. :-) a little vague today, but I'm tired, so maybe I'll be a little more concrete and forthcoming next time.

Constantly Tired

I don't know what it is lately, but I am ALWAYS tired! I'm tired all day from the moment I get out of bed until the moment I go back to bed. And I've been sleeping more now than I was before. I'm not sleeping an excessive amount. I just don't get it! What is going on with me that is causing this? Can the emotional stress of a "break-up" really make me feel this drained? Or is it something else entirely? What is going on??????????

I really would love to be able to just stay in bed all day today and do nothing, but I doubt that'd help me feel any better at this point. Plus I have to go to class and then to work. It's just strange how I've been feeling this week. Hopefully the exhaustion will pass.

Still holding on...

I'm managing to keep it together. It's pretty hard, and I keep wanting to go running back and apologize and try to get everything to go back the way it was...but then I realize that I hated the way it was...and I miss not him, but the idea I had of him...this version of him I had formulated in my mind...a good person, a person with a heart, a person with a soul. He is not that person...he has proven that time and again, in so many different ways. And so I stop in my tracks, realize what I'm doing, and regroup. It happens hundreds of time a day, and hopefully soon it will be less frequent. I will be able to go fifteen minutes without thinking about him...and then an hour, then an afternoon, then an entire day, and so on and so forth. I just need to make a conscious effort to focus myself on other things.

For now my motivation is a reworking of the famous Ivanka Trump phrase, "Don't get mad, get everything." Well in this case, it's more like "Channel your anger into something productive, and become a fabulous success in the world." Success is the best revenge against a guy who's main goal in your entire relationship was to drag you down and destroy you. He may have cared about me at some point...I know I believed it at one point...but now, whether he cared or not isn't the issue. He's not worth it. He's so far beneath me he may as well have burrowed into the Earth's core. And the funniest part about the whole thing is he had me convinced temporarily that the situation was the reverse...that I was the one beneath him. (Oh, Sandy don't make me laugh. Ha ha ha). Whatever. He knows as well as I do that I am heads and tails above any girl he knows. I hope to see the day that he truly gets what's coming to him. Karma's a bitch...even more of one than me. And when he gets his comeuppance, it'll be a good day for all women.

Why?

Why is it so hard to let go of something that was so bad? It hurts to be without him. I'm not sure if that pain is any worse than how much it hurt to be with him...but it's pretty damn bad. I don't know why. I wish he were different. I wish he were the man I had built him up to be in my mind instead of the boy who he was in reality. He destroyed my life, and who I am. I don't know if I'm ever going to fully recover. Maybe I'll never be whole again.

Day One

Well, he gave me enough of my stuff back to be okay. I got my TV, and my movies. And I got him out of my life. Problem is, his dilapidated piece of garbage wrecked car is still at my house. Well, in the parking lot of my apartment building. Every time I walk outside, I see him because of that car. I guess I just need time to get over him, but I don't want his crap around as a reminder either. I'm not sure there's anything I can do about it because I am NOT allowing myself to contact him anymore. If I do, I'm just going to fall back into the same trap I was in before. And honestly, I want to text message him so bad, and I've gone to do it over and over and over today...sometimes out of habit and other times out of weakness, but I have stopped myself every time...even before I started typing. Because when I moved away, I was still in contact with him, and that's why I never actually got over any of it.

He never loved me. He never respected me. And I sure as hell deserve better than a man who treats me like shit...who thinks he's smarter than me when he can't even spell does ("dose") or exactly ("exxacally"). Anyway, this is the first day that I have been completely out of contact with him. Not even an attempt to contact him. And it was hard but easy at the same time. It's nice not to be on call, to feel rejected when he puts me off (as it turns out because he was with another girl), to always know that he's doing something hurtful and saying something hurtful behind my back. I'm sad in a lot of ways, but I keep getting sad about the horrible things he did to me. I'm not sad that I ended it. That's what's weird. I'm sad because I'm processing all the shit he did to me and kicking myself for letting it continue as long as I did. I'm sad for wasting my time, energy, money, etc...on a worthless piece of trash. I'm sad because I let my life get derailed over and over again for this loser. He is scum. He's a worthless person who refuses to work for anything for himself, who uses people and takes what they have instead of accomplishing anything himself. I could go into a deep psychological analysis of him right now, but am too tired.

Day One Sans Josh: Successful

Wish me luck on Day Two!

The idiot

He thinks he has game...but he always trips up. Like calling her from my phone...without blocking the caller ID so she has my number, and not erasing the calls from my call log...in fact, he accidentally saved the number in my phone as an unnamed contact. What a dumbass! And she called me tonight after he had borrowed my car to "go see his brother." Because instead of going to see his brother he went to go pick up some nasty fat white-trash tramp when he had ALSO promised the other girl he was gonna be with her tonight (that makes three of us). But, she called him on his BS, and followed him to his place, went in and saw him with the fat girl...went out to her car and immediately called me. Since she was with my friend who's crashing at my house she was coming over here anyway...so we had a long chat and then went over to the asshole's house. He refused to give me my stuff back but at least I got my car. He claims he'll give me my stuff at 3:00 p.m., but I guess we'll see. I'm supposed to meet up with my dad today for lunch, etc...and I want him to go with me. I'm sure he will if it means getting the loser out of my life once and for all.

One last look to anyone who's interested at the loser...believe me if you're a female and you run into him, don't listen to a word he says. He lies, he cheats, he does everything that's wrong. And I plan to tell the whole story of it here...but it's gonna take some time. There's so much to say and tell.

Saddest thing: The girl who picked me up and helped me out is still seeing that loser. Oh Alicia: You've got to be the biggest dumbass in the world!!!!!! After what you already witnessed and what I told you...you still went crawling back like a pathetic little loser. And Josh: Congrats on finding someone stupid enough to buy your bullshit for another go-around with you. I can only rejoice in the fact that this time, it wasn't me!

I forgot to mention...

In all my being angry and frustrated with some of the moronic imbeciles in my life, I forgot to mention some great news for MY life on here. I have a job. I started working at the University Bookstore this week, and so far its been great! I haven't had a job since December (though really I stopped working before that...I was simply employed until December), and being back on the workforce is actually quite enjoyable. It gives me a lot less downtime to feel bad, or upset, or sorry for myself. In other words, it helps to keep me from wallowing in the misery that is my life when I spend all my time with a few specific individuals.

As I said, it's only been this week so far, but I don't feel the constant need to be away from my house when I'm here...because I barely spend anytime here anymore. And being tired after a long day of work, the class, and then work again keeps me from always wanting to go out to the clubs and act stupid with the people who are a bad influence on my life (or sometimes with the people who aren't...though the behavior at the clubs is esentially the same). In other words, I'm calmer now. I have something else to focus on besides myself and him. I have school which I love right now (film classes are the best thing in the world for a movie geek like me), and I have a job that suits me. I mean...bookstore? me? Match made in heaven...if only it were a bookstore/movie emporium...hmmm....maybe I should open one of those one day. ;-) Anyway, I'm trying to make sure that I stay focused...that I don't let anyone distract or dissuade me....that I remember that there are really good things in my life right now along with the bad...some of that bad I'm in the process of getting rid of. Unfortunately some of it is sitting ten feet away from me right now, trying to write an assignment for his class and doing it VERY slowly. Not sure what that's about. Oh well. Work is good. School is great. And I'm happy to be alive and writing right now. What else can I say?

Moving Forward

Leaving the jerk who almost killed me by the wayside for the moment, I'm trying to focus my energies and mind on school. I just started my newest summer session today. I'm only taking one class this time, a film class studying Censorship and Hollywood, basically. We're starting off talking about so-called pre-code films (before the censorship code was enforced in Hollywood). I love film classes, in these classes along with English literature classes...this is where I thrive, where my mind feels fully engaged and active.

I ended up really enjoying my history class last session even though there were some days sitting in class that bored me to tears (let's face it...some days sitting still and listening is just so much more difficult than others). I wish I wouldn't have let my relationship with the jerk distract me so much from my studies last session. I still got fair grades, but if I had fully committed myself, I know I would have had excellent grades. I guess last session I was a step above the last two semesters where I just stopped attending classes period. Now this session is my moment to come back in full force. To go to class EVERY day, to do all my work to the best of my ability. I will not let anything that does or does not happen with the idiot have an effect on my work. It's too important to me now. I need to have real goals and a path in life. I can't let him destroy me any further.

Worst Night of My Life

He almost killed me tonight...literally and accidentally. He was driving in the rain, lost control, and hit a tree. HARD. And then, here's the best part...we get to my house and he leaves me to go fuck another bitch, some Mexican skank...I'm hurt...physically...my chest is fucked up from the seatbelt, I hit my head, and my lip is fucked up...but he abandons me for some other girl...after he gets done telling me how glad he is that I'm ok and that he'd rather have died himself than have the same thing happen to me...after he says all this stuff making me feel like he actually cares, he leaves me, even though I asked him not to. And I had to walk about 3 miles back downtown to go get my car because he left me without my car.

He was supposed to be with me tonight. That's what we were going to do when we were headed to my house...and then he went off with her. I don't even know what to say. This is the second time he's caused me real an severe physical injury. It's 5:23 a.m. and I'm still wide awake... traumatized and a mess. I feel like I wish I WOULD have been more seriously hurt in the car accident, or that I WOULD have died. Anything to get me out of this situation.

Stupider than I thought...but this time I'm walking away

I actually trusted him. Stupid me. When he said he wasn't sleeping with anyone else...I made the conscious decision to try to trust him. BIG MISTAKE! He's at her house now...at this very moment. The woman who is so far beneath me that she's practically in the core of the Earth. The woman who he guaranteed me over and over again he had no interest in. The woman who he got pregnant. And stupid me...I listened to the bastard.

But this today...was the last straw. I can't be this pathetic person anymore. I'm not letting some loser run/ruin my life anymore. I quit. I'm gone. I don't want to be the world's stupidest smart girl anymore. I just want to be smart. Even if that means being alone for a while. Being alone is better than being used and abused, right?

Just Got Out of Class

I just got out of class about a half an hour ago...and while I realize I should be working on my final paper for said class...my mind is reeling with other things...related to school and not. The class is African American history as I've stated before. What may not have been clear in my posts before is that the man that I am friends with right now (that truthfully I hope will turn into more), is African American. Thus, in class I cannot help but think of him, and in being with him, sometimes it makes me think of my class. Maybe it would be better for me if these two facets of my world were not quite so interrelated, but on the other hand, it gives me focus that I didn't have previously in trying to balance him with school.

I guess the thing is, class really made me think today. I have an amazing professor who is extraordinarily passionate about what he teaches and about compelling his students to take a good look at the world around them and to really try to change it. And his lecture today in particular (it was the last day of lecture, we have a final exam tomorrow), made me start to really consider what I want to do with my life. What do I hold dear? What kind of change do I want to evoke in the world? What are my goals and ambitions? And maybe even more importantly, what will pursuing this relationship do to those goals? Will this man being in my life ultimately function as a benefit or a detriment to me?

And even harder to answer, is there any way to know the answer to this? Say I walk away right now...what if he really was the great love of my life and I threw away potential happiness? Or what if I stay, and it implodes as it has done multiple times before, and I find myself even further away from achieving what I want to achieve? I'm so conflicted, and everything in my mind is spinning around and around in circles. I want a relationship (a monogamous one)...but what cost would this relationship have on my individual goals? I doubt I'll find the answer today, but I had to throw it out there.

lies, lies, lies

Fuck you and your lies. I'm done playing these games. I've got someone who calls me, who answers every time I call him. Who talks to me with respect...who's better looking than you. Who actually cares about what I say. Who wants to make me happy. Who wants to make me smile. Why am I still crying about you? Why do I even care anymore. Oh yeah, that's right...because I almost had your baby, because you have all my money...and because I can't seem to break this cycle of abuse and self-abuse.

Pain in the ass

I'm so sick of this garbage! Either date me or don't, but don't keep stringing it along. Stop being an ass and just decide.