Just Got Out of Class

I just got out of class about a half an hour ago...and while I realize I should be working on my final paper for said class...my mind is reeling with other things...related to school and not. The class is African American history as I've stated before. What may not have been clear in my posts before is that the man that I am friends with right now (that truthfully I hope will turn into more), is African American. Thus, in class I cannot help but think of him, and in being with him, sometimes it makes me think of my class. Maybe it would be better for me if these two facets of my world were not quite so interrelated, but on the other hand, it gives me focus that I didn't have previously in trying to balance him with school.

I guess the thing is, class really made me think today. I have an amazing professor who is extraordinarily passionate about what he teaches and about compelling his students to take a good look at the world around them and to really try to change it. And his lecture today in particular (it was the last day of lecture, we have a final exam tomorrow), made me start to really consider what I want to do with my life. What do I hold dear? What kind of change do I want to evoke in the world? What are my goals and ambitions? And maybe even more importantly, what will pursuing this relationship do to those goals? Will this man being in my life ultimately function as a benefit or a detriment to me?

And even harder to answer, is there any way to know the answer to this? Say I walk away right now...what if he really was the great love of my life and I threw away potential happiness? Or what if I stay, and it implodes as it has done multiple times before, and I find myself even further away from achieving what I want to achieve? I'm so conflicted, and everything in my mind is spinning around and around in circles. I want a relationship (a monogamous one)...but what cost would this relationship have on my individual goals? I doubt I'll find the answer today, but I had to throw it out there.