I think...

I think I hit a point this week that changed my outlook. I don't miss him anymore. At least not like I used to. I used to long for a text, a call, for him to show up on my doorstep. But now, I dread the possibility. I don't want his calls, his texts, and I definitely don't want to see his face.

I have spent the last week being confronted over and over and over again with the lingering consequences of life with him...of what he did to my life, of the awfulness inflicted upon me as a result of his presence, and of the STUPID choices I made under his influence. I am still trying to unbury myself from the debt (literal financial debt) that I entombed myself in because I wanted to please him, or give what I had to him instead of taking care of my responsibilities.

Once free of it's haze, it's unfathomable and ridiculous what love will do to your mind. I fell in love for all the wrong reasons, and held onto a toxic relationship for even worse reasons. I'm not really sure I ever want to fall in love so fully again. At this point, I'm not even sure I'm capable of it. I don't want to lose myself so fully in someone else.

Maybe that's the problem though...my love for Josh wasn't a healthy love, it was toxic, he was a drug to me, a dangerous one. Love should better you and your situation, it should bring out the best in you...not drag you down to the point of destitution and despair.

Anyway, I think that I should definitely take a hiatus from love for a while. I've got school full-time now, and apparently by some incomprehensible miracle, it seems at least for another week or so, I have a job...not sure how that happened, or if it will last, but for the moment, I'm not going to look a gift-horse in the mouth. I'm going to accept any opportunity I receive to redeem myself to the world, and hope like hell that I've paid enough for my sins, and that karma will not continue to lambast me with hardships and hard blows. I'm note sure how much more I can take in that department.

But anyway, at least now I am seeing with clear, unfiltered eyes that he is not a necessary or even desired part of my life, and that with time he won't be such a prevalent subject of my thoughts (even though now it has moved from "I miss him" to "I despise him"). I am striving to dedicate myself wholeheartedly to school and to a future in the field of education, and cannot allow myself to be so derailed again. Anyway, that's all for tonight. Buenas noches.

Tired of it All

I'm tired of thinking about it. I'm tired of talking about it. Yeah, the bastard hurt me...and no I'm not entirely over it. Not even close yet. But I'm on the way to healing, and I'm tired of whining about the past. Yes, he destroyed my life, made relationships with my family strained, shattered some really good, close friendships into irreparable pieces, took my money, got me pregnant and wouldn't accept the fact that I was pregnant, tore me down and took away my belief in myself and my own self-worth. But you know what? My belief in myself is stronger than ever now, because I survived, and I am strong. I can repare much of the damage that was done. I'll never be the same. And those friends I lost will more than likely never forgive me for what I did to them...and I can't really say that's ok, but it is what it is, and I can and will deal with it. It's time to move on, and move forward. Time to rebuild my academic future and rededicate myself to living a full and productive life in society. Much bad and much good has come out of our year-long tumultuous and often torturous relationship.

There will always be a part of me that holds onto the love I felt for him. But it is ever-shrinking and ever-easier to ignore completely. So here I am. I am letting it go. I refuse to be angry and bitter about it anymore. It still hurts, but that will fade with time. I'm letting go.

So, I know you're not reading this. But for my own benefit, I'm going to say it:

Goodbye Josh. I have to let it go now. You were never good for me, a fact that both of us knew, but until recently neither of us could cut it off. I'm actually glad it's over...most of the time. I hold no animosity toward you, and I wish you the best in the future. So, as I said, goodbye.

UGH!!!

Why can't I get over him? I'm always thinking about him...can't see myself with anyone but him. I'm so sad...I feel so pathetic without him!

wow

Wow! What a weekend! I don't even know where to start. In fact, I'm too tired to go too deeply into it right now. Unfortunately last night i did see him, but we didn't so much as speak to one another. I miss him a lot. We were good friends...at least it seemed that way. Maybe I'm still holding onto the illusion I had of him rather than what actually was there. I just miss the feeling I had when he was with me...when we had long conversations. I don't know. I just miss who I felt I was or who I could be when I was with him. :-( Maybe I'm just still sad and trying to get over it all. I'm sure I just need time.

Feeling

Feeling off today...not sure why. I hope it's the heat and nothing more. But even though I'm feeling off, I think being alone with my thoughts lately has been really beneficial...helped me work some things out in my own mind and heart. I realize that I don't need him. Never did.

All he ever really brought me was pain, suffering, and misery. A tornadic force in my life that whipped everything into a frenzied chaos, but as the dust settles down around me, all I see are remnants of a life that I should have had. Broken pieces of friendships, family bonds, trust, dreams, and myself, scattered about as if Picasso had painted it. So here I am, broom in hand, sweeping up the pieces and starting over again (again, again, again because this is the fourth time this has happened). The thing of it is, this time, I truly have had enough. I'm thankful to be escaping with my life. And I'm thankful to be free to go where I want and do what I want with my future. I don't feel tied down anymore.

I had started to feel trapped by him...the way he wanted me to...I didn't feel like I could pursue things myself, I felt like I needed him. I don't. I don't need him to survive, and pretty soon, I'll be back on my feet to the point where I won't need anyone else to help me surviv

e. Only myself.

I look forward to that day, but until then, I am thankful to my family and friends who are here to help me.

I loved this for a year...a part of me will probably love him forever, but my mind has finally overcome my heart. He's not worth all the pain. He's not worth degrading myself. He's not worth anything.

Burn

This song...like a window into what my life felt like for a year. Moving up and moving on now, but this song and video are incredible.

A memory

It's been a year since I met him...and we're done again. we've been back and fourth four times...this is the end of the fourth...and hopefully the last...for my own safety and sanity it almost has to be.

But I just had a flashback to the first or second time around. We were talking, just casually talking and joking around. He said something about hitting or fighting or something like that. And I said that I'd never been in a fight before. He said, "So, you've never been hit before, like punched?" And I replied, "No. Of course not." He laughed and said, "Good. I'll be the first." I laughed and gave him a skeptical look as we did not know each other all that well at that point.

He saw my face and said, "I was just kidding," with his patented smile that has never failed to melt my heart even when I'm furious with him. I smiled back, unable to resist. And then he added, "Kind of."

At that point I never thought that he would follow through on the promise to be the first to hit me. That memory just came back to me as I was thinking about the past year. This past Friday marked exactly one year since our meeting, and my life has been turmoil ever since.

I really didn't think he would hit me. But he did. I've now been in a physical altercation (I'm not exactly sure it could be called a fight)...I've been punched. I've been brutalized emotionally in a way I never thought possible. I never thought I'd allow anyone to do that to me. But I did. He ruined a year of my life...in the worst possible ways. But I'm still standing. I survived. And I will continue to do so...I will thrive. I will move forward and be stronger for it. Never again will I be a victim...never again will I allow myself to be victimized.

Any time a man so much as jokes about hitting me...I'm turning around and heading in the other direction. End of story.

tears

tears still flow...welling up. quivering lips, feeling defeated. wish u loved me. wish u valued me. wish we were better people than we are. both sneaking...both lying...both disrespecting. wish we could be what we should. but we can't and I might have some news that will tear us apart at the seams...i hope I'm wrong.

Wish

I really wish I could get rid of you. You do horrible shit to me. And I always keep letting you walk right back through my door. I keep letting you stay here. I keep letting you in. I keep letting my heart get stomped on. You write inappropriate things to other girls on my computer...then get mad at me when I say something about it. You know I love you and you still do that to me. Right in my face. And you think it's funny. You think it's ok. You act like I'm doing the same thing even though you have NO proof whatsoever. You go around having sex with other people, and you get mad at me for saying something about it.

I'm beautiful. I'm intelligent. I'm actually doing things with my life. I have a future. I could do practically anything I want to in this world. But I keep letting you drag me down. Sitting here with the dregs of society...right now. You're sitting not ten feet away from me as I write this. You just got off the phone with another girl...who you call at three in the morning from my G.D living room. Then you make fun of me for being mad. Because when I'm in love with someone and I'm sleeping with them, I don't consider it just a friend thing. Not even remotely close. I don't think I'm crazy for that. In fact, that's probably the sanest thing about me.

The insane thing is why I allow this shit to continue. I just can't let you go. Even though every logical bone in my body tells me I need to do just that. El dominicano calls me...wants to come over...calls me beautiful and smart...recognizes how valuable I am...but I had to tell him no because you're here. I have another SEXY man inviting me to his house two nights in a row...but do I go over there? No, because you're here.

I had someone staying with me who needed a place to stay and who was trying to help me out with things...but you guys were no longer friends (because of how you treated me, by the way...in case you were wondering why he got mad at you), and you told me the only way we could be friends was if I got rid of him. So, I did it. And still feel guilty as hell about it. No lie. But I did it for you. I have loyalty to you. When have you ever shown any to me? When have you ever done anything for me? When have you ever even shown that you give a damn about me or my well-being? The answer is simple...never. You have never treated me well. So I have to wonder. Why did I ever fall in love with you? Why do I care about you? Why can't I just throw you out on your ass right now and say to hell with this and you? Why? Why? Why?

I wish I was stronger. I wish I didn't love you. I wish I had never met you. I wish I had never gotten pregnant. I wish I hadn't had the miscarriage too (because if I was still pregnant, I wouldn't be anywhere near you). I wish I was far far away from here right now. I wish you loved me. I wish you cared at all about the effect your actions and words have on me. I wish. I wish. I wish.

I want to be anywhere but here right now. I want to be anyone but me right now.

Tired

Why do I keep letting myself be used? Why do I put up with all his bullshit? He takes their calls when he's hanging out at my house...goes outside with a big grin on his face when they call. Thinks its funny that it bothers me. I fucking hate it. I don't like being treated like dirt. I hate that he came over to have sex with me yesterday and then is out there talking to her today. It hurts so bad. I just don't even know what to do anymore. I'm on round four and its not getting any better. Round one was all insults...round two was losing money, getting shoved around, insults and pregnancy...round three was getting punched, getting in a car accident, insults, money and heartache...what the hell could possibly happen now in round four? Will I survive it?

Just trying to figure it out

First of all, in the past three nights, I may have gotten enough sleep to be acceptable by normal standards for one night, but oh well. I chose to stay up until 5:30 a.m. today, and I'd say I regret it, but I don't. The only thing I regret is not sneaking in more sleep somewhere, but I had to get up and go to school. Oh well again.

I'm still trying to figure out which direction I'm going to go...finish the MA and go for the PhD, get a Post-Bacc teaching certificate...or do something else entirely?? Who knows at this point? Certainly not me. I'm mulling over my options, and I'll probably go talk to the College of Education soon and try to figure out what I would have to do to get into the Post-Bacc certification program. Well, that's all for now.