Feeling

Feeling off today...not sure why. I hope it's the heat and nothing more. But even though I'm feeling off, I think being alone with my thoughts lately has been really beneficial...helped me work some things out in my own mind and heart. I realize that I don't need him. Never did.

All he ever really brought me was pain, suffering, and misery. A tornadic force in my life that whipped everything into a frenzied chaos, but as the dust settles down around me, all I see are remnants of a life that I should have had. Broken pieces of friendships, family bonds, trust, dreams, and myself, scattered about as if Picasso had painted it. So here I am, broom in hand, sweeping up the pieces and starting over again (again, again, again because this is the fourth time this has happened). The thing of it is, this time, I truly have had enough. I'm thankful to be escaping with my life. And I'm thankful to be free to go where I want and do what I want with my future. I don't feel tied down anymore.

I had started to feel trapped by him...the way he wanted me to...I didn't feel like I could pursue things myself, I felt like I needed him. I don't. I don't need him to survive, and pretty soon, I'll be back on my feet to the point where I won't need anyone else to help me surviv

e. Only myself.

I look forward to that day, but until then, I am thankful to my family and friends who are here to help me.

I loved this for a year...a part of me will probably love him forever, but my mind has finally overcome my heart. He's not worth all the pain. He's not worth degrading myself. He's not worth anything.