I think...

I think I hit a point this week that changed my outlook. I don't miss him anymore. At least not like I used to. I used to long for a text, a call, for him to show up on my doorstep. But now, I dread the possibility. I don't want his calls, his texts, and I definitely don't want to see his face.

I have spent the last week being confronted over and over and over again with the lingering consequences of life with him...of what he did to my life, of the awfulness inflicted upon me as a result of his presence, and of the STUPID choices I made under his influence. I am still trying to unbury myself from the debt (literal financial debt) that I entombed myself in because I wanted to please him, or give what I had to him instead of taking care of my responsibilities.

Once free of it's haze, it's unfathomable and ridiculous what love will do to your mind. I fell in love for all the wrong reasons, and held onto a toxic relationship for even worse reasons. I'm not really sure I ever want to fall in love so fully again. At this point, I'm not even sure I'm capable of it. I don't want to lose myself so fully in someone else.

Maybe that's the problem though...my love for Josh wasn't a healthy love, it was toxic, he was a drug to me, a dangerous one. Love should better you and your situation, it should bring out the best in you...not drag you down to the point of destitution and despair.

Anyway, I think that I should definitely take a hiatus from love for a while. I've got school full-time now, and apparently by some incomprehensible miracle, it seems at least for another week or so, I have a job...not sure how that happened, or if it will last, but for the moment, I'm not going to look a gift-horse in the mouth. I'm going to accept any opportunity I receive to redeem myself to the world, and hope like hell that I've paid enough for my sins, and that karma will not continue to lambast me with hardships and hard blows. I'm note sure how much more I can take in that department.

But anyway, at least now I am seeing with clear, unfiltered eyes that he is not a necessary or even desired part of my life, and that with time he won't be such a prevalent subject of my thoughts (even though now it has moved from "I miss him" to "I despise him"). I am striving to dedicate myself wholeheartedly to school and to a future in the field of education, and cannot allow myself to be so derailed again. Anyway, that's all for tonight. Buenas noches.