Wish

I really wish I could get rid of you. You do horrible shit to me. And I always keep letting you walk right back through my door. I keep letting you stay here. I keep letting you in. I keep letting my heart get stomped on. You write inappropriate things to other girls on my computer...then get mad at me when I say something about it. You know I love you and you still do that to me. Right in my face. And you think it's funny. You think it's ok. You act like I'm doing the same thing even though you have NO proof whatsoever. You go around having sex with other people, and you get mad at me for saying something about it.

I'm beautiful. I'm intelligent. I'm actually doing things with my life. I have a future. I could do practically anything I want to in this world. But I keep letting you drag me down. Sitting here with the dregs of society...right now. You're sitting not ten feet away from me as I write this. You just got off the phone with another girl...who you call at three in the morning from my G.D living room. Then you make fun of me for being mad. Because when I'm in love with someone and I'm sleeping with them, I don't consider it just a friend thing. Not even remotely close. I don't think I'm crazy for that. In fact, that's probably the sanest thing about me.

The insane thing is why I allow this shit to continue. I just can't let you go. Even though every logical bone in my body tells me I need to do just that. El dominicano calls me...wants to come over...calls me beautiful and smart...recognizes how valuable I am...but I had to tell him no because you're here. I have another SEXY man inviting me to his house two nights in a row...but do I go over there? No, because you're here.

I had someone staying with me who needed a place to stay and who was trying to help me out with things...but you guys were no longer friends (because of how you treated me, by the way...in case you were wondering why he got mad at you), and you told me the only way we could be friends was if I got rid of him. So, I did it. And still feel guilty as hell about it. No lie. But I did it for you. I have loyalty to you. When have you ever shown any to me? When have you ever done anything for me? When have you ever even shown that you give a damn about me or my well-being? The answer is simple...never. You have never treated me well. So I have to wonder. Why did I ever fall in love with you? Why do I care about you? Why can't I just throw you out on your ass right now and say to hell with this and you? Why? Why? Why?

I wish I was stronger. I wish I didn't love you. I wish I had never met you. I wish I had never gotten pregnant. I wish I hadn't had the miscarriage too (because if I was still pregnant, I wouldn't be anywhere near you). I wish I was far far away from here right now. I wish you loved me. I wish you cared at all about the effect your actions and words have on me. I wish. I wish. I wish.

I want to be anywhere but here right now. I want to be anyone but me right now.