Wow

So...round six has already come and gone since the last time I posted on here. All of a sudden he said, "I was thinking we could be friends." I told him ok as long as things were cordial and we weren't needlessly mean to each other, we could give it a shot. But then he started calling me "bitch" all the time (again). And telling me that I owe him...and to "get the f*** up" at 8:00 in the morning, and I just lost it, told him to f*** off, and that was that. Round six over. Hung out 3 or 4 times, he spent the night twice...we slept together three times, only one of them worth mentioning though, and that was it. The saga was over before it began this time. I didn't get emotionally attached at all this time. In fact, I was thinking, "why am I bothering" about 99% of the time. Oh well. C'est la vie and I'm moving on.

Ha!

Round five last almost exactly one week. And it only involved one face-to-face meeting. And for once it also involved NO emotional response from me....except if you count annoyance as an emotional response.

I'm happy. I have a new friend who is much better to have around than this former friend, and all in all I'm happier. My life is better without someone trying to drag me down to their level. I deserve someone who is impressed by or at least respectful of everything I have accomplished. And the friends I have now arejust that...respectful. For the moment, since I'm not looking for anything serious, I'm happy with just being respected.

Ok...

I don't know yet if this is going to be Round Five of the sick stupid smart girl relationship. But he did send me a text tonight that was so funny to me that I laughed out loud for several minutes because it struck me as so...I don't know...forced and somewhat false. Like he was trying too hard to think on my level and it just came out as a caricature. Not that he's unintelligent, but he's not intellectual. It's not his forte. And so I give you the laughter inciting text message:

Many things equal me. Many things that are not. Some good some bad. People take little bits of everyone. But can never be them!

So, maybe I'm the only one who finds this hysterical. Maybe not. I understand that of all the people who might read this, I am probably the only person who knows him personally, and knowing him may be a prerequisite to finding this funny. But, oh well.

Back in the fold?

Have I come back to this place so quickly? Does one communication mean the reopening of something? Does one meeting mean a new beginning? Or are we back at the same sick place playing the same sick game? Ready to try and hurt eachother once again?

I don't really know where this all will lead. But I can tell you that a major shift in my universe has occured in the last few days. What I do with it is the big question, I suppose. I have the power to dictate my own destiny here. I have the power to choose what I do and when. I have the power to say "no." But if I have so much of the power, why do I feel so powerless? And why do I feel as if this power I wield is something I'd really rather just get rid of all together?

How I Felt

I wrote this piece a long time ago, and I just found it in a pile of my school stuff. Thought I;d share it, even though its not really developed...it's a rough freewrite, but its honest:

I am better than this, smarter than that. Sweeter than all of them. Fantastic, sarcastics, asstastic. Haha. Nothing to scoff at, nothing to scorn. Nothing to pity and nothing to mourn. Who am I? What am I? How can I? When will I? Will there be an us? Or just a you and a me? Separate and unequal. Forever drawn together and perpetually torn apart. What to do? What to do?

I remember the day that I wrote that. I would've written more, but I was summoned upstairs to go have sex with Josh in the bathroom upstairs while he was supposed to be "showering." We were sneaking around because his ignorant, a**hole of a friend was staying at my place too. This was only a few days before the end too. It has a certain poignancy for me now. Makes me remember that there were almost no happy times.

Sometimes

Sometimes I forget myself. I get so caught up in my own emotional drama, in my own sadness over not being with the man I loved (still love in some ways), that I forget that there are other things in the world. That there are people who have suffered so much more than I have, that are in much more pain that I am, that cannot seem to ever get their lives together no matter how much they want to, no matter how much we pray for them and try to help them along the way.

I'm sad to have to accept that some people may be just beyond saving. That no matter how hard you try to rescue someone from themselves, to stop them from making mistakes, to take care of them, and point out what is best, you can't make them do it. You can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved. I've spent the last year plus trying to help people that either screw me over and throw my good nature back in my face or that just cannot seem to keep their heads above water. I want to do what's right. I want to be the type of person who doesn't let someone screwing her over and taking advantage of her generosity, love, and stubborn loyalty destroy her good nature.

I'm working on rebuliding myself. I don't want to become closed-off and bitter. I don't want to be filled with hate. I don't want to be guarded, or mean. But that's how I am with men right now. I treat them badly. Even when they don't deserve it. I ignore them, I talk to them as if they're beneath me a lot of the time. I have become cruel and vindictive and manipulative. It's all become a power-game to me. It's all become a ploy, a ridiculous farce. I don't want to keep up walls. I don't want to play games.

I want to help people. I want to be good for people. I'm not going to let Josh destroy me or my good nature. I will still be generous to those I love. I will still try to take care of people who deserve my care. Josh is obviously NOT one of those people. He took everything I had to offer him and he stole what he could, and tried to set fire to the rest, to leave me as nothing more than a pile of ashes. But I wasn't so reduced. I managed to protect myself enough to rebuild. And rebuild I shall. I will keep on doing what is right for me and I will do everything I can to protect those I love.

I read this passage in the book Monster by Walter Dean Myers that made me realize tonight that I am meant to help those people who society says do not deserve it. "The best time to cry is at night, when the lights are out and someone is being beaten up and screaming for help. That way even if you sniffle a little they won't hear you" (1).

I may have experienced pain, but my pain is so miniscule. I see that. I know that my heartache is real. I know that I've loved and lost over and over again. But all in all, I've lived and continue to live a very...I don't want to say privelaged because of the negative connotations...comfortable life. I've been lucky, I've had opportunities that some people will never get no matter how much they want them. I am grateful beyond words that I always have people who will love me, who will catch me when I fall, who support me as I journey through life. I am lucky. I am truly blessed.

Grrr...

I guess I spoke too soon. J didn't contact me...but today his best friend called and texted me...and granted several weeks ago, he did leave some crap in my house, but still. I don't want to hear from them. Any of them. My life is better and easier without all of them. I texted him back and said I was in class (actually I was shopping, but that's really not his business).

His reply "Call me after class." To which, out loud, I said, "Fuck that!" I get so sick of people telling me what to do. It's obnoxious. And coming from this particular specimen of human-like semi-consciousness, ridiculous. So I don't text back. I come home. I cook myself dinner. And as soon as I'm done eating, my phone starts buzzing. It's him again, so I wait for the voicemail to pick up...and I turn my phone off. It's 10:30 at night...you really think I'm going to let you come over to get your muscle-mass building pills or whatever the hell those ridiculous supplements are? Absolutely NOT.

Why can't these people just disappear from my life. I swear. I love my apartment, but I want to move and change my phone number just so the morons will never be able to find me. Wouldn't that be awesome?

Gratitude

I am so grateful right now that you can't even imagine. Ever since Josh and I split for the fourth (and now FINALLY decidedly last time), I have had several nagging fears that I am now fully capable of sharing because they have been dispelled.

First, I was scared TO DEATH that I was pregnant again. I know, I know. How the fuck could I have been so stupid as to even allow that to be a possibility again? But nevertheless it was. That possibility has been officially crossed off my list of worries. So, goodbye chance at having some lifelong connection to the bastard. Today was a good day on that front.

Second, was a different kind of worry. The sneaky, manipulative slimeball was aware of the chronology of certain things about to happen in my life (school starting, when I get financial aid etc...), and because he has conned money out of me before, I had this horrible gut-feeling that he would come slithering back like the nasty little reptile he is when the semester started. Unfortunately for him, all my financial aid went right into funding school this year, so there was nothing leftover for him to steal anyway, but he didn't know that.

BUT, it's the second week of classes and there has been no word, no contact, and he knew that the end of August marked the beginning of school. According to my clock, it is now September 2nd and I am still free! I think I am finally free for real this time. This is the longest we've gone since we met without some kind of contact, and I'm beginning to be able to breath easy again.

I don't kid myself into believing that I will never see him again by chance...this is too small a city to really avoid someone. But I know that I will never let him back into my life. I know that he will never become meaningful in my life again.

I refuse to regret what happened in the last year because I learned so much from it. But I am happy to have moved into a new chapter of my life; one in which I am in control, in which I make my decisions, and one in which I can fully be myself. I have found my path in life and am happy to be right here.

A huge wave of relief washed over me today for so many reasons, and I am grateful to God and to the universe that I now find myself without Josh once and for all. Gracias. Merci. Grazie. Danke. Thank You! Thank You! Thank You!

Heart and Mind

Missing the illusion of happiness I once had.
Missing what was never really there.
Missing the companionship I delusionally felt.
And the friendship that never was.

My heart misses what my heart imagined.
Images of my happy dream flash before me.

But my mind knows better,
as it always has,
and for once it reigns supreme over my heart.

Big Sister is back in control.
The neurons are firing strongly once more.
The cries of the heart are silenced by the muzzle of the mind.
And I might just have an oppportunity to be happy once more.