Gratitude

I am so grateful right now that you can't even imagine. Ever since Josh and I split for the fourth (and now FINALLY decidedly last time), I have had several nagging fears that I am now fully capable of sharing because they have been dispelled.

First, I was scared TO DEATH that I was pregnant again. I know, I know. How the fuck could I have been so stupid as to even allow that to be a possibility again? But nevertheless it was. That possibility has been officially crossed off my list of worries. So, goodbye chance at having some lifelong connection to the bastard. Today was a good day on that front.

Second, was a different kind of worry. The sneaky, manipulative slimeball was aware of the chronology of certain things about to happen in my life (school starting, when I get financial aid etc...), and because he has conned money out of me before, I had this horrible gut-feeling that he would come slithering back like the nasty little reptile he is when the semester started. Unfortunately for him, all my financial aid went right into funding school this year, so there was nothing leftover for him to steal anyway, but he didn't know that.

BUT, it's the second week of classes and there has been no word, no contact, and he knew that the end of August marked the beginning of school. According to my clock, it is now September 2nd and I am still free! I think I am finally free for real this time. This is the longest we've gone since we met without some kind of contact, and I'm beginning to be able to breath easy again.

I don't kid myself into believing that I will never see him again by chance...this is too small a city to really avoid someone. But I know that I will never let him back into my life. I know that he will never become meaningful in my life again.

I refuse to regret what happened in the last year because I learned so much from it. But I am happy to have moved into a new chapter of my life; one in which I am in control, in which I make my decisions, and one in which I can fully be myself. I have found my path in life and am happy to be right here.

A huge wave of relief washed over me today for so many reasons, and I am grateful to God and to the universe that I now find myself without Josh once and for all. Gracias. Merci. Grazie. Danke. Thank You! Thank You! Thank You!