Sometimes I Hate It, Sometimes I Love It

It being who I've become, and also just being a woman. I don't even know where to start. I lie. A lot. And it's almost never without reason, but I always have to wonder if the benefits of keeping the truth from people outweigh the costs. In some ways, it serves to protect them...from information that would hurt them.

And it serves to protect me. So people don't know exactly who I am, or what I do, or who I do what with. I lie, lie, lie. And they believe me. Certain people are privy to the truth...actually besides myself, I can only think of one other person that knows almost the whole truth. Everyone needs a confidante, someone that they can just be themselves around...no bs, no lies.

Anyway, the problem with lying is that you also get suspicious of everyone else. Do I believe it when he says he's only sleeping with me? (This is a new guy by the way, not the a**hole that most of my posts have been about) I don't know if I can believe it. Do I actually allow myself to start liking him as more than a sexual plaything? Or do I hold back because attachment has brought me nothing but pain and misery in the past? I just don't know. Sometimes I hate it, and sometimes I love it. The games, the play, the lies, the deceit. It can be deliciously fun, or grievously painful and ill-advised. I'm walking that fine line right now. I wonder if I can figure out what it is I feel and believe before its too late...before the lies and deceit take over and nothing of the real me is left.