Random Calls

Random calls with the Caller ID blocked...at 11:30 p.m....disconcerting, especially since they only started coming in after my new "friend" accidentally sent a pic he was sending to me to his "recent text" list. Then all of a sudden "No Caller ID" calls started coming in...several that night, and the next day, plus sporadically since then. Then days and days and days without them, and now two tonight. I didn't get to the phone, they were missed calls, but I am concerned. I assume they are about him and not someone else from my past...but as much as I am concerned with these being about him, and about him lying to me, I am almost more frightened that a certain someone from my past is trying to get back in contact.

And if that is the case, I am terrified that I will not be able to resist at the sound of his voice. I don't know. I'm getting so paranoid, and so nervous about current and past issues, I just don't know what to do anymore. I just don't. :-(

Thought

I thought I found someone who I could sort of trust. Just should've known better, you can't trust anybody, even if you want to. Worst part is, I've been sick and feverish lately, and so I've had those very vivid fever dreams. And in those dreams, it was not this new guy who was on my mind. No, no, no. When my thoughts are not under my control, they center on him.

Anyone who has read this probably knows who he is. I don't know why my mind still goes there. I guess it has only been a month and a half since I last saw him, so its only natural that I still think about him from time to time, but I wish it would just go away. The dreams involved us being together again, but better than it ever was in actuality of course. Maybe they weren't even about him specifically, but about what I want. He's the only man I've ever loved that fervently, and so perhaps my mind in it's feverish state associated my desire to fall in love with someone who can treat me well with his face only because of the echoes of love I still feel for him.

There definitely are days that I miss him. I can't help it. Certain songs, certain movies, even certain days when the weather is just the right temperature all make me think of him, and of the times that were good (though the memories of the bad times inevitably follow). I'm not sure what to make of all this. Can't escape the memory of him, and the present of him either as I constantly run into people like his cousin, or see his comments on my friends' Facebook pages. And I can't seem to find anybody around here that I can count on. Perhaps, it really is time to finish up this degree I'm working on and hit the road...get the PhD elsewhere and start over away from the ghosts of "relationships" past. Its really the only solution that seems feasible at this point.

So much...

So much has happened in my life that I'm not even sure what to say. I'm so tired of all the high school/middle school drama that occurs with people who purport themselves to be adults. I'm just so over all of the stupid stuff. I want to surround myself with mature people...people who actually live their lives like adults and who don't resort, literally, to hair-pulling and scratching. Who does that? Children do that!

I just can't believe how I've let people like that get into my life and under my skin. I thought women were supposed to mature faster than men, but clearly in my generation nobody is mature anymore. We're all a bunch of people who have grown up in an era in which youth is so valued, that juvenile behavior of the young has become standard behavior for adults as well. There's a theory in the works here...but I'm not sure what it is yet. I can feel a theory in it's infancy developing in my brain right now. However, I think it needs to incubate a little longer and I should definitely mull it over further.

really????

wish there was some way to know the truth
before I got attached
I wish there was a way to understand
why I can never choose correctly
why I can never trust anybody
why I am battered and bruised right now
why I didn’t actually use my force this time
Why did I take pity on her?
Why did I let s*** slide?
Why didn’t I call her out when she tried and tried
to take from me what was mine?
Now I see the truth behind her lies
now I see why she really is
I’m too academic for her jumbo backside?
as she would say, she can suck a d*** (my sloppy seconds assuredly)
and kick rocks too.
B**** please, I had him first not you.