Thought

I thought I found someone who I could sort of trust. Just should've known better, you can't trust anybody, even if you want to. Worst part is, I've been sick and feverish lately, and so I've had those very vivid fever dreams. And in those dreams, it was not this new guy who was on my mind. No, no, no. When my thoughts are not under my control, they center on him.

Anyone who has read this probably knows who he is. I don't know why my mind still goes there. I guess it has only been a month and a half since I last saw him, so its only natural that I still think about him from time to time, but I wish it would just go away. The dreams involved us being together again, but better than it ever was in actuality of course. Maybe they weren't even about him specifically, but about what I want. He's the only man I've ever loved that fervently, and so perhaps my mind in it's feverish state associated my desire to fall in love with someone who can treat me well with his face only because of the echoes of love I still feel for him.

There definitely are days that I miss him. I can't help it. Certain songs, certain movies, even certain days when the weather is just the right temperature all make me think of him, and of the times that were good (though the memories of the bad times inevitably follow). I'm not sure what to make of all this. Can't escape the memory of him, and the present of him either as I constantly run into people like his cousin, or see his comments on my friends' Facebook pages. And I can't seem to find anybody around here that I can count on. Perhaps, it really is time to finish up this degree I'm working on and hit the road...get the PhD elsewhere and start over away from the ghosts of "relationships" past. Its really the only solution that seems feasible at this point.