paranoid girl

I'm a paranoid girl after everything that happened to me in the past. That much is certain. But I wonder if this paranoia is somehow hindering me, or if it merely made me wiser. I really like someone right now, but I can't bring myself to trust him. Is this a bad thing? Or am I merely protecting myself? I really can't be sure.

In spite of the fact that I am deeply paranoid, I still feel drawn to this guy. Not only do I feel physically attracted to him, but he is someone I can talk to easily. He's brilliant, and he likes to talk about intellectually-related subjects. Rather than the willful ignorance I became accustomed to in previous "relationships" (if any of these can be deemed a relationship), I sometimes actually feel that I'm struggling to keep up with his brain. I love it. He makes me want to be smarter. Its the opposite of what I felt with the dipstick. When I was with him, I was constantly wishing that I wasn't so smart, that I could more easily dumb myself down.

I'm glad that I am where I am, spending time with who I am. But I'm still not sure I trust. And I'm not convinced that I should. Perhaps I always just expect and want too much from things. But I really like him. And I hope that I can learn to trust him (and that he deserves my trust). I like him a lot. Let's hope that this works out well. I'm hopeful, but not naive. I'm sticking to my own goals. School, work, a future career. I'm not giving those up for someone again, no matter how much I end up liking them. That's really all I had to get off my chest tonight. Adios y buenas noches.