Should?

I've been advised a lot lately on what I should be doing, from all different people, but generally about the same two things, my job and the man in my life. The man in my life advise was largely one-sided..."get rid of him" was the unanimous response, until a long talk with my uncle (who is more like a big brother). He finally got the major reasons (on top of being in love) for sticking around in spite of all the bad and the hurt and the turmoil and the stress. The staying is because of the good things. The smiles, the kisses, the calming effect because he brought me back from the brink of becoming something I never should have been even close to being. He doesn't really know how much he means to me or why, and I don't know what exactly I mean to him. Maybe I mean a lot, maybe I don't really mean anything. The truth of the matter is, regardless of how things turn out, I could never truly regret what we've had. He made a real mark on me, on my life.

I may have done things that others would consider foolish and stupid according to other people, but if I could go back and do it again, knowing what I would go through as a result of my choices, I wouldn't change anything about him and me. He and I are still together, and even though it's hard at times, and it is certainly not perfect by any means, I don't regret anything.

Someday when I'm old and looking back on my life, I will know that I loved with my whole heart, no matter how many times it got broken. I will know that I took care of the people that I loved, that I did everything I could do to help and support them, without selfishness or an expectation of being paid back. I will know that I was a person who loved, and who cared, and who did everything she could to make others' lives better, even if that meant sacrificing a lot for herself in order to do it. While sometimes I really feel like I'm suffering because of the choices I have made, I ultimately stand up for what I've done because I can't imagine having done things any other way. I care, and I give, and I do hope that one day I have someone who does the same for me, maybe it's this guy, I truly hope it is, but I can't know for sure right now. All I know is that I want the best for everyone, but especially for the man that I love, even if one day it turns out that the best for him is not me. It will hurt, but I will accept it because I love purely and fully. I guess that's all I have for right now. Just needed to let all that out.