So the night I decide to stop complaining about my relationships something kind of funny happens. The guy I'm seeing, I wouldn't exactly call him my boyfriend, but for the purpose of using concise terminology, we could call him that, showed up at my apartment, unannounced at 10:00 at night. Now, he's dropped by unannounced a few times before, and I really don't have a problem with it. But never that late. And after he left, I got to thinking, this is a little strange. We had been texting earlier, but then he just dropped into silence, so I went on with my evening. What I'm thinking happened is he came over to check up on me. I wouldn't say this except for the fact that he managed in the short time he was here to walk into every room of my apartment. It was as if he was looking to see if someone was here, or had been here. Like he was looking for evidence or something. Now, I'm not the cheating type, so he in all actuality has nothing to worry about. But the checking up on me thing is a bit disconcerting. The asking questions like, "Why aren't there sheets on your bed?" (because I'm doing laundry--DUH!), the snooping around, etc...is something I'm not used to.
In a way I like it. It means he actually cares about what I'm doing and whether or not I'm being faithful or loyal, however you want to put it. On the other hand, its a little stalker-ish and scary. But hey, I've always liked my men a little scary I guess. The thing about it is, my ex would never have dreamed of doing this type of thing because he didn't care what I did when he wasn't around (most of the time anyway), but this guy seems to care. I have to adjust to people who actually seem somewhat invested in a relationship rather than uncaring and cruel. So, I'm going to take the somewhat weird, but completely welcome because I'm always happy to see him, visit as a positive sign.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Done
I'm done with a lot of things now. First, I'm done whining and complaining about relationships and liars, and loser men. I've written it all off. No more complaining and whining. I am a smart, interesting, attractive woman, and I shouldn't be wasting my time whining about the things in my life that aren't perfect. Nothing in life is perfect anyway. I've made some bad choices, particularly with men. And I knew I was making mistakes as I made them, but those are the choices I made. Nobody else made these decisions for me, I was not forced to do anything at gunpoint. I am responsible for my life choices, and the direction that I have gone in.
And while I regret hurting friends, former friends, roommates, and most of all my family, I accept that without having made those choices I wouldn't be where I am today, or the person I am today. A person who has survived a lot, and come through stronger and more independent (in some ways). I am a wiser person, with a plethora of material about which to write, a person who landed herself a job that she loves more than any job she has ever worked in her life...who actually feels like her work is something worthwhile. Who should be happy instead of whining about trite and silly things. I survived a lot, and I will survive what is to come. I may be an extremely emotional creature whose heart is far too big and who cares too much about people, whether they deserve it or not, but I am strong enough to bounce back from anything that life throws my way. I am strong because I have family and friends who support me, who are there for me every time I stumble and fall on my face in life. Who have always taken me in, helped me to heal my open wounds, and stood me back up on my feet. I could not survive without them. And I will always be grateful and indebted to them. They are my world.
And while I regret hurting friends, former friends, roommates, and most of all my family, I accept that without having made those choices I wouldn't be where I am today, or the person I am today. A person who has survived a lot, and come through stronger and more independent (in some ways). I am a wiser person, with a plethora of material about which to write, a person who landed herself a job that she loves more than any job she has ever worked in her life...who actually feels like her work is something worthwhile. Who should be happy instead of whining about trite and silly things. I survived a lot, and I will survive what is to come. I may be an extremely emotional creature whose heart is far too big and who cares too much about people, whether they deserve it or not, but I am strong enough to bounce back from anything that life throws my way. I am strong because I have family and friends who support me, who are there for me every time I stumble and fall on my face in life. Who have always taken me in, helped me to heal my open wounds, and stood me back up on my feet. I could not survive without them. And I will always be grateful and indebted to them. They are my world.
Friday, February 11, 2011
Liars
Doesn't anybody tell the truth anymore? I mean, really, why can't I just meet someone who is honest with me...who doesn't use me...who doesn't think that I'm so stupid that I won't figure things out. What do I have to do to find someone who is real, and honest, and who actually gives a damn. I mean, its really getting to be more than I can take. I just want to throw in the towel at this point, honestly. I don't think its worth it any more. Too much pain...literally, I actually feel physical pain today from all this (and no, there was no physical altercation this time, thank God).
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