New Year

Ringing in the New Year....alone with my thoughts, wishing he was here to ring it in with me...and alternately wishing that I could just have a do over of last year...there are a lot of things that I'd do differently. And only a few that I would do the same.

I love him so much, but I really don't know how this is going to work.  If we stay together 2012 will certainly be a test for me...of will power, of strength, of tolerance...of whether or not I will be able to put my foot down once and for all to get my needs met or walk away, to be willing to make the demands that are necessary. And to follow through on what I ask for. We'll see.

For  now I sit with tears in my eyes and sadness in my heart. Not the best way to start a new year but it is cleansing in a way. Hope to hear his voice tomorrow, to start my year on the right foot, but if I have to start it 100% alone, I suppose I'll live. After all, all the shit that's happened so far hasn't stopped me yet, I always perservere. I guess there's that.

It's been a long time...

It's been a long time, too long since I updated this. Probably because my life delved deep into the stupid pond and veered very very very far away from the smart girl pond. I don't even know where to begin, and I really don't know who even cares to read this stuff. To be honest, I've been busy living it and I really don't even want to think about it anymore. some of it is that ridiculous.

Remember the new guy I talked about? The one who I was misjudging based on my past relationship? Ummmm...yeah, a little preview of details to come, he is now incarcerated, has been for a few months, and will be out in 2013 at the earliest. Like I said...stupid won out over smart. Again. Damn I really thought that I had gotten past that. Anyway, I have other things to do before work, but this seemed like a good time to vent a little bit. My life would be such an awesome movie right now. Hahaha. Later!

Tired

Of liars!!!!!!!! Can't anyone be honest anymore?

Should?

I've been advised a lot lately on what I should be doing, from all different people, but generally about the same two things, my job and the man in my life. The man in my life advise was largely one-sided..."get rid of him" was the unanimous response, until a long talk with my uncle (who is more like a big brother). He finally got the major reasons (on top of being in love) for sticking around in spite of all the bad and the hurt and the turmoil and the stress. The staying is because of the good things. The smiles, the kisses, the calming effect because he brought me back from the brink of becoming something I never should have been even close to being. He doesn't really know how much he means to me or why, and I don't know what exactly I mean to him. Maybe I mean a lot, maybe I don't really mean anything. The truth of the matter is, regardless of how things turn out, I could never truly regret what we've had. He made a real mark on me, on my life.

I may have done things that others would consider foolish and stupid according to other people, but if I could go back and do it again, knowing what I would go through as a result of my choices, I wouldn't change anything about him and me. He and I are still together, and even though it's hard at times, and it is certainly not perfect by any means, I don't regret anything.

Someday when I'm old and looking back on my life, I will know that I loved with my whole heart, no matter how many times it got broken. I will know that I took care of the people that I loved, that I did everything I could do to help and support them, without selfishness or an expectation of being paid back. I will know that I was a person who loved, and who cared, and who did everything she could to make others' lives better, even if that meant sacrificing a lot for herself in order to do it. While sometimes I really feel like I'm suffering because of the choices I have made, I ultimately stand up for what I've done because I can't imagine having done things any other way. I care, and I give, and I do hope that one day I have someone who does the same for me, maybe it's this guy, I truly hope it is, but I can't know for sure right now. All I know is that I want the best for everyone, but especially for the man that I love, even if one day it turns out that the best for him is not me. It will hurt, but I will accept it because I love purely and fully. I guess that's all I have for right now. Just needed to let all that out.

Life as it is now

I'm the nice girl. The woman who will protect her loved ones at all cost...give more than she has to spare because she'd rather the man she loves be taken care of than take care of herself. The woman who will stick by you because she loves unconditionally. I am the woman that should be your wife. Not the woman that gets used and abused, neglected and ignored, who feels lonely because you don't make the time to spend with her. I am not that woman because I deserve someone who is as good to me as I am to them. So why can't I seem to find someone who gets that? Who values me as much as I value you? I don't know what to do anymore, but I feel like just giving up.

what is it?

I guess I'm a care-taker by nature. I take in these men who need to be rescued, or taken care of, or supported, and I do it. It's who I am. I rescue people, and never get any support in return. And I have to say I'm sick of it. Since when is it that the woman has to rescue the man? Whatever happened to the old damsel in distress thing? Yes I know, I don't sound like myself, this is anti-feminist and a throwback (and not in a good way), but come on. Just once I'd like to be with a man who is there to help me out when I have tough times instead of being the cause/exasperation of those hard times. Please, God, universe, and whoever or whatever else I can pray to, send me someone who will at least match me rescue for rescue!

Last Night

So the night I decide to stop complaining about my relationships something kind of funny happens. The guy I'm seeing, I wouldn't exactly call him my boyfriend, but for the purpose of using concise terminology, we could call him that, showed up at my apartment, unannounced at 10:00 at night. Now, he's dropped by unannounced a few times before, and I really don't have a problem with it. But never that late. And after he left, I got to thinking, this is a little strange. We had been texting earlier, but then he just dropped into silence, so I went on with my evening. What I'm thinking happened is he came over to check up on me. I wouldn't say this except for the fact that he managed in the short time he was here to walk into every room of my apartment. It was as if he was looking to see if someone was here, or had been here. Like he was looking for evidence or something. Now, I'm not the cheating type, so he in all actuality has nothing to worry about. But the checking up on me thing is a bit disconcerting. The asking questions like, "Why aren't there sheets on your bed?" (because I'm doing laundry--DUH!), the snooping around, etc...is something I'm not used to.

In a way I like it. It means he actually cares about what I'm doing and whether or not I'm being faithful or loyal, however you want to put it. On the other hand, its a little stalker-ish and scary. But hey, I've always liked my men a little scary I guess. The thing about it is, my ex would never have dreamed of doing this type of thing because he didn't care what I did when he wasn't around (most of the time anyway), but this guy seems to care. I have to adjust to people who actually seem somewhat invested in a relationship rather than uncaring and cruel. So, I'm going to take the somewhat weird, but completely welcome because I'm always happy to see him, visit as a positive sign.

Done

I'm done with a lot of things now. First, I'm done whining and complaining about relationships and liars, and loser men. I've written it all off. No more complaining and whining. I am a smart, interesting, attractive woman, and I shouldn't be wasting my time whining about the things in my life that aren't perfect. Nothing in life is perfect anyway. I've made some bad choices, particularly with men. And I knew I was making mistakes as I made them, but those are the choices I made. Nobody else made these decisions for me, I was not forced to do anything at gunpoint. I am responsible for my life choices, and the direction that I have gone in.

And while I regret hurting friends, former friends, roommates, and most of all my family, I accept that without having made those choices I wouldn't be where I am today, or the person I am today. A person who has survived a lot, and come through stronger and more independent (in some ways). I am a wiser person, with a plethora of material about which to write, a person who landed herself a job that she loves more than any job she has ever worked in her life...who actually feels like her work is something worthwhile. Who should be happy instead of whining about trite and silly things. I survived a lot, and I will survive what is to come. I may be an extremely emotional creature whose heart is far too big and who cares too much about people, whether they deserve it or not, but I am strong enough to bounce back from anything that life throws my way. I am strong because I have family and friends who support me, who are there for me every time I stumble and fall on my face in life. Who have always taken me in, helped me to heal my open wounds, and stood me back up on my feet. I could not survive without them. And I will always be grateful and indebted to them. They are my world.

How I Feel

Liars

Doesn't anybody tell the truth anymore? I mean, really, why can't I just meet someone who is honest with me...who doesn't use me...who doesn't think that I'm so stupid that I won't figure things out. What do I have to do to find someone who is real, and honest, and who actually gives a damn. I mean, its really getting to be more than I can take. I just want to throw in the towel at this point, honestly. I don't think its worth it any more. Too much pain...literally, I actually feel physical pain today from all this (and no, there was no physical altercation this time, thank God).

the idiot

e-mailed me a few weeks ago. I didn't respond...at first. And then yesterday, i couldn't help myself. I had to say something. What I said was not encouraging by any means. It was only five words. I regret sending it, because in a way that gave him a window.

I really like the guy that I'm talking to now. But the trust just isn't there. I don't trust him, or anyone. I'm still broken and damaged. And, I don't know when I'll be able to put myself back together again. I guess that's all I have to say for now. I think I could really care about this new guy if I can figure out how to trust him...or he earns my trust. I guess we'll see. For now, I have cookies in the oven. Yum, yum. :-)