Stealing a line from "Dawn of the Dead"..."trust, the primary ingredient in any relationship." While it came from a horror movie, doesn't make it any less true. I love that movie, and that quote...even though the quote is a little simplistic. I'm in the process of teaching myself to trust people again after having any trusting bone in my body ripped out and crushed by one person in particular, but also by friends, etc...who also betrayed my trust in the past year and a half or so.
Its no easy feat to try to rebuild after all that, but when you don't trust, you make yourself miserable. I know this from experience. While I got used to every word out of someone's mouth being a lie, that doesn't mean that everyone is that way, just because he is. Unfortunately this is something I have to tell myself multiple times a day, which sounds ridiculous, but if you had spent over a year tearing apart everything someone told you trying to sift out the highly limited amount of truth from the lies, then you might be untrusting and paranoid too. Although it is justifiable, it doesn't mean I should just allow it to continue. That's not the person that I want to be, and not the person who I was before he came along. So the daily mantra is "everyone is not a liar" and "you can't always assume that someone is lying to you." That's all I've got for today. Nightie night.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Dreams
I recently watched this Nova documentary about dreams that dealt with the physical, scientific aspects of dreams but also toyed with the question of what dreams may mean to people.
So tell me this. Why is it that nearly every night for two weeks I close my eyes and dream about Josh? And why is it that nearly every time in my dream he and I are living in a house with my dad of all people? And why does one of the other girls from his past always inevitably show up? And why in the dreams before that happens and I so happy and completely into him even though every fiber of my waking being knows that I never should or could go back to those feelings with him?
Is my mind equating my current man with J Or is it trying to tell me that that was him that screwed me over time and again, not the new guy? I'm confusedby all these dreams and the truth of the matter is I DON'T want to be thinking about J, or worrying that the guy I'm talking to now is doing the same things to me that J did or any of that. I just want to be happy and not be constantly paranoid when it comes to men. Is that so much to ask for?
So tell me this. Why is it that nearly every night for two weeks I close my eyes and dream about Josh? And why is it that nearly every time in my dream he and I are living in a house with my dad of all people? And why does one of the other girls from his past always inevitably show up? And why in the dreams before that happens and I so happy and completely into him even though every fiber of my waking being knows that I never should or could go back to those feelings with him?
Is my mind equating my current man with J Or is it trying to tell me that that was him that screwed me over time and again, not the new guy? I'm confusedby all these dreams and the truth of the matter is I DON'T want to be thinking about J, or worrying that the guy I'm talking to now is doing the same things to me that J did or any of that. I just want to be happy and not be constantly paranoid when it comes to men. Is that so much to ask for?
Friday, December 3, 2010
paranoid girl
I'm a paranoid girl after everything that happened to me in the past. That much is certain. But I wonder if this paranoia is somehow hindering me, or if it merely made me wiser. I really like someone right now, but I can't bring myself to trust him. Is this a bad thing? Or am I merely protecting myself? I really can't be sure.
In spite of the fact that I am deeply paranoid, I still feel drawn to this guy. Not only do I feel physically attracted to him, but he is someone I can talk to easily. He's brilliant, and he likes to talk about intellectually-related subjects. Rather than the willful ignorance I became accustomed to in previous "relationships" (if any of these can be deemed a relationship), I sometimes actually feel that I'm struggling to keep up with his brain. I love it. He makes me want to be smarter. Its the opposite of what I felt with the dipstick. When I was with him, I was constantly wishing that I wasn't so smart, that I could more easily dumb myself down.
I'm glad that I am where I am, spending time with who I am. But I'm still not sure I trust. And I'm not convinced that I should. Perhaps I always just expect and want too much from things. But I really like him. And I hope that I can learn to trust him (and that he deserves my trust). I like him a lot. Let's hope that this works out well. I'm hopeful, but not naive. I'm sticking to my own goals. School, work, a future career. I'm not giving those up for someone again, no matter how much I end up liking them. That's really all I had to get off my chest tonight. Adios y buenas noches.
In spite of the fact that I am deeply paranoid, I still feel drawn to this guy. Not only do I feel physically attracted to him, but he is someone I can talk to easily. He's brilliant, and he likes to talk about intellectually-related subjects. Rather than the willful ignorance I became accustomed to in previous "relationships" (if any of these can be deemed a relationship), I sometimes actually feel that I'm struggling to keep up with his brain. I love it. He makes me want to be smarter. Its the opposite of what I felt with the dipstick. When I was with him, I was constantly wishing that I wasn't so smart, that I could more easily dumb myself down.
I'm glad that I am where I am, spending time with who I am. But I'm still not sure I trust. And I'm not convinced that I should. Perhaps I always just expect and want too much from things. But I really like him. And I hope that I can learn to trust him (and that he deserves my trust). I like him a lot. Let's hope that this works out well. I'm hopeful, but not naive. I'm sticking to my own goals. School, work, a future career. I'm not giving those up for someone again, no matter how much I end up liking them. That's really all I had to get off my chest tonight. Adios y buenas noches.
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