Sometimes

Sometimes I forget myself. I get so caught up in my own emotional drama, in my own sadness over not being with the man I loved (still love in some ways), that I forget that there are other things in the world. That there are people who have suffered so much more than I have, that are in much more pain that I am, that cannot seem to ever get their lives together no matter how much they want to, no matter how much we pray for them and try to help them along the way.

I'm sad to have to accept that some people may be just beyond saving. That no matter how hard you try to rescue someone from themselves, to stop them from making mistakes, to take care of them, and point out what is best, you can't make them do it. You can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved. I've spent the last year plus trying to help people that either screw me over and throw my good nature back in my face or that just cannot seem to keep their heads above water. I want to do what's right. I want to be the type of person who doesn't let someone screwing her over and taking advantage of her generosity, love, and stubborn loyalty destroy her good nature.

I'm working on rebuliding myself. I don't want to become closed-off and bitter. I don't want to be filled with hate. I don't want to be guarded, or mean. But that's how I am with men right now. I treat them badly. Even when they don't deserve it. I ignore them, I talk to them as if they're beneath me a lot of the time. I have become cruel and vindictive and manipulative. It's all become a power-game to me. It's all become a ploy, a ridiculous farce. I don't want to keep up walls. I don't want to play games.

I want to help people. I want to be good for people. I'm not going to let Josh destroy me or my good nature. I will still be generous to those I love. I will still try to take care of people who deserve my care. Josh is obviously NOT one of those people. He took everything I had to offer him and he stole what he could, and tried to set fire to the rest, to leave me as nothing more than a pile of ashes. But I wasn't so reduced. I managed to protect myself enough to rebuild. And rebuild I shall. I will keep on doing what is right for me and I will do everything I can to protect those I love.

I read this passage in the book Monster by Walter Dean Myers that made me realize tonight that I am meant to help those people who society says do not deserve it. "The best time to cry is at night, when the lights are out and someone is being beaten up and screaming for help. That way even if you sniffle a little they won't hear you" (1).

I may have experienced pain, but my pain is so miniscule. I see that. I know that my heartache is real. I know that I've loved and lost over and over again. But all in all, I've lived and continue to live a very...I don't want to say privelaged because of the negative connotations...comfortable life. I've been lucky, I've had opportunities that some people will never get no matter how much they want them. I am grateful beyond words that I always have people who will love me, who will catch me when I fall, who support me as I journey through life. I am lucky. I am truly blessed.